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Who The Hell Am I?Crushing Hard: Single and on the Prowl
So currently I’m on the most unintentional of “Guyatis”es. In other words, I am sans any sort of interest, in any sort of man in my life. So like any single girl, what do I do? I CRUSH. (And apparently use the word “any” way too much. Tourettes. Apologies.)
The basics: Dating has changed. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that we should rename it “we’ll see”ing. You might be “hangin’ out”, maybe “bangin’ out”, “meetin’ up”, “grabbin’ a drink”, or texting a hell of a lot, but… you’re NOT dating. Regardless of how we define it, there’s always SOMETHING on the go, or at least the possibility for something more. But every once in a while, there it is, like a little mini Hiroshima on your dating life. Your phone stops blowin’ up and now you have to scroll REAL far down, to find those useless little witty conversations that used to hold right at the top. So what do you do? You have a small pity party, read through the descent of your last relationship in the form of text history (damn you iPhone storage capacity), and then you try and bring ‘em back up to the top again. And that my friends, is how it all starts…
Before we get into it, you have to understand one thing: WOMEN HAVE NO PROBLEM BEING SINGLE, BUT being without a crush… now that’s a problem. And we’re not like the boys, we can’t just beat off to our Taylor Swift screen saver, OUR fantasy has to be tangible. A real live person, with real live possibility. While you and T-Swift are locking eyes for 60 seconds, we’re trying to envision the multiple scenarios in which we may have our first kiss with our current crush. Yea slightly lame sauce. Stop judging.
Now, when we don’t have a crush, this is how it goes down. We watch a chick flick, feel a little vulnerable and let the strange subconscious (okay partially conscious) man hunt begin.
STOP 1: FACEBOOK CHAT This one is seriously simple, and the best way to ease into your selection process. Take on that live shopping list, re-acquaint yourselfs, scour his tagged photos, pass judgment on his listed “interests”, and line the bottom of your browser window with potential suitors. For all y’all who are still gChat snobs… you’re missin’ out on a whole world of potential.
STOP 2: RECENT TEXT LOG First off, let me just say that I’m in the process of inventing the “REGRETapp,” an app that doesn’t allow you to text certain numbers after 11pm., certain numbers after watching Love Actually and certain numbers AT ALL. Brilliant right? But a lie;) Anyway, dis is what happens: You’re bored, feeling alone or you just happen to be going out in his hood and you fire off the customized “shout-out” texts. Chances are the one who you really wanted to respond won’t. But you may as well try and re-activate, just remember it’s real easy to open that door but a little harder to close.
STOP 3: MAYBE I JUST NEED TO GET LAID Women are just like men. Sometimes, we just want to get some. Yes “get some” (solid use of early 2000s slang). When we’ve been single for a while, we sit around discussing how long it’s been. And when the dry spell becomes unbearable… As purposefully as possible we run through the gamut of our past, selectively making sure as to not increase our “numbers.” So, if we now have a plutonic relationship, we’re not THAT close anymore (but still maintain some sort of friendship), and we used to DO EET, then you’re in luck and should be expecting a re-kindling of our barely-existent friendship shortly.
STOP 4: A CLOSE RELATIVE OR FRIEND “PLANTS A SEED” You’re lying if you say this hasn’t happened to you. And for some reason I find this one to be hilarballs. It’s simple, someone you trust opens your eyes to a new possibility. Mom calls you up and says, “who is that new boy it says you’re friends with on facebook? He’s cute”, and suddenly, although you never thought he was cute before, you find yourself contemplating a take down. And if your mom isn’t nosy like mine, then it’s a friend. All it takes is an “I love that guy… you should go for it” and BAM we have a new goal in our site-line.
STOP 5: THE FRIEND… OR MORE? This one is ALL about timing. We hang out, it’s cool, but now that I am single my mind runs with the possibility that I am missing something that is there… and a few days later I MAY have mentioned to most of my girlfriends that I’m in love. And once that happens… Oops.
As a note: If you’re the guy in love with the girl, and she just doesn’t see you like that. I have a trick, get a girlfriend… that you actually like. Once she sees you happy with someone else, those thoughts WILL cross her mind. I promise.
Let me get serious for a second here, ‘cause this one needs a disclaimer: Tread very carefully if he or she is your “best friend.” Make sure you are both READY for this to be the start of something amazing or the end of everything, because once you go there, there is rarely any turning back.
STOP 6: BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND RECYCLE Ending on the most dangerous of all. I’m calling it like it is. Amplified by the holidays and large family gatherings, your mind quickly reverts to what’s familiar. It’s kind of like the after affects of attending a wedding, you want that kind of love and you immediately fall back on what you know. You remember the good, and somehow dismiss the bad, and to your friends and family’s dismay you’re “talking again.” And guys, you do this one too. Sometimes, yes it’s worth a rematch, but most of the time, you’re just recycling a whole lot of baggage. Chances are, once the charm of the holidays wears off and the reality of Valentines Day is approaching, it’ll all seem like a really stupid idea. Just sayin’.
Alright, its conclusion time…
You can look at all of this as human weakness, as a display of dependency or human fault. But in reality, you want to know why we crush? We like to fill up what feels empty. That’s why we crush. I don’t care who you are or how independent you claim to be. It doesn’t matter; EVERYONE is searching for it, because there is no better feeling than falling in love.
PS: Sometimes I watch too much One Tree Hill.
PPS: Clearly.
Turn-Ons & Turn-Offs: Gettin’ All Hot and Bothered
“What’s your type?” Most would say this is pretty easy question to answer. Straight up, I don’t really agree. As much as you think that every guy you’ve dated might resemble a c-list version of John Stamos, that’s not ALL it’s about. Cause you know we’ve all broken the mold and dated the occasional “REALLY? Him?”.
Anyway, I’ve decided to make a guide, for the guys AND the girls, because regardless of what you think your type is, there are definitely some over-arching principles that apply to everyone: Turn-ons, turn-offs, what to do, what not to do blah blah blah.
Let’s get ‘er going. In the most random order ever. Starting with…
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WEARING?
Guys. A suit? At the bar? Oh man. It’s a Saturday, so there is no way you just got off work and came straight out. You planned that shit. Not cool. Coming in at a close second, the white button up… TUCKED IN. Don’t do it.
Sweatpants. Yes, the elasticized ankle ones. Surprisingly, a personal favorite of mine (and of most of my friends). If you can pull these off, (as a good grocery shopping look) it’s a serious turn-on. (DISCLAIMER: they must be baggy, if they’re short and cutting into your balls… it doesn’t count).
Plus-up on Halloween. Same old rules apply. A man in uniform is hot. So take advantage, do firefighter, or football player. Dressing like a woman or going white trash, hilarious YES, attractive NO.
Fo ma ladies. Whether the guys know it or not… They like to leave a lil’ something to the imagination, so show one at a time: Just the legs = CLASSY. A little peak at the tatas =CLASSY. Both = DTF.
Leave your high-waisted pants at home. Guys are simple. They like dresses, heels and skirts. They get real confused when you start throwing in non-functional items like jumpsuits, rompers and open toed booties. Save those for dinner with the girls. If you’re ridiculously hot, wear whatever the hell you want.
GIVING GOOD HEAD
A guy who can pull off a baseball cap… mmm one of my personal faves. BUT don’t wear a hat if this is the first time we’re seeing you, ‘cause we’ll automatically assume you’re balding. I don’t want my baby comin’ out with no widow’s peak. Sidenote: LL Cool J is the only man alive who can pull off a Kangol, so stop trying.
A note on hair gel: If we can see through your shiny spikes to your scalp. Lay off of it.
It’s real simple for the girls, unless you’re a model or just really fuckin’ hot, DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR SHORT.
UNDEES
Guys: Whether it’s boxers, briefs, boxer-briefs, Disney-themed, or the same pair for last 3 days cause you didn’t do your laundry… it doesn’t really matter. If we’re seeing you in them, chances are you were doing the right thing.
Girls: Once again it’s simple, don’t wear beige. skintone = grandma.
YO FACE: The overly metrosexual thing is DONE. Sport your scruff, don’t talk to me about manicures, stop waxing your eyebrows and be a man. (If you have a unibrow, go ahead and tweeze).
Girls, on behalf of the boys, LAY OFF THE MAKEUP. Your cake-face is not fooling anyone. Well, maybe in dim lighting it is, but a guy wants to know that in the morning his pillow isn’t going to resemble what once was your face.
TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF
Guys: Cut your nails, brush your teeth and manscape. ‘Cause if the lawn isn’t cut, nobody is coming out to play.
Smell Good. Ditch your 1999 bottle of leftover Polo Sport and titillate our senses. As a small disclaimer: please limit to 2-3 sprays, if we can smell your presence in the room an hour later, not a good thing.
Girls: Shave (obviously)… just don’t talk about it. Guys want to believe two things 1. We’re naturally soft and smooth, and 2. We don’t go to the bathroom.
SHOES
Tell me something… why is it that even the coolest most fashionable guys still wear shiny, black, ugly-ass, wide, SQUARE-TOED, 1998, Steve Madden dress shoes when they have to put on a suit?! Fucking throw them away. NOW.
A few random things ALL guys MUST have:
- • A car. If it has power windows… second date for sure.
- • A bedroom, that is NOT in your parent’s house = Good start.
- • An apartment that you share =Decent.
- • An apartment you can call your own= Solid.
- • An apartment you actually OWN = Shamazeballs. (ANNNDDD as an added bonus you don’t have to be as cute as the guy who shares his apartment… Just sayin’).
- • A solid personality. If it’s real good, you can be chubby chubberson and we won’t give a shit.
A few random things ALL guys MUST NOT have:
-
• Diamond studs. It’s not 2001. Say “Bye, Bye, Bye” (Get it?!)… Even you Rob Kardashian.
- • Too many girlfriends. Not enough guys friends.
- • True religion jeans.
- • Wispies. If you’re bald. Shave it.
A few random things ALL girls MUST have:
- • Boobs (small, big, whatevs… just gotta have ‘em)
- • An attractive or at least decent looking mother. If she’s not, do your best to keep those pictures under raps until he is in love. Genetics are a bitch.
On that note let’s closer ‘er down…
I’m going to put it out there like this. For the guys, what they are looking for is pretty basic, and as usual Usher said it best, “a lady in the streets but a freak in the sheets. “
For the girls, it’s a sad truth that having money, power or good looks can do wonders for your dating life. But, in the spirit of my cheesy-ass conclusions I would like to argue that humor, whit, sincerity, intelligence and maybe a little athleticism, can have an equally good return. Just make sure if you’re missing one of the top three, that you at least have a job… or an accent.
PS: a mustache is never a turn-on.
PPS: PS is my new thang.
Flirting Like a Real Man: Land THAT Girl
I’m helping out ma boys today. So, all you men who pretend not to read my blog; take your computer to the bathroom, lock yourself in, turn on the fan and STUDY this shit (THIS shit).
Before we get to the goods I am going to give you a little insight into da female species: No matter how sweet we pretend to be, all girls are judgmental little bitches. Your entrance maneuver determines EVERYTHING. Whether we give you the rights to be called your actual name when we are chatting over dinner, or whether the stupid shit you do gives you a nickname like “rehab.” Or better yet, your impression is so bland we name you after the location we met i.e. “Bar210.” Never a good sign. So the Goal is… KEEP YOUR NAME.
Movin’ on. I will make no promises, buuuut if you’re used to “7”s you can take to bed, I’ll get you “9”s you can take to mom. Now how do we get there you ask?
THIS is how to land THAT girl:
Disclaimer: If you are looking to bone or make some one-night lovin’ and don’t really give a shit about the impression you’re making, then this might be a little too much effort for you. Just a head’s up.
Da rules to live by (don’t be scurred):
1. RID YOURSELF OF THE HATER FLIRTER. Mean flirting has to be THE worst kind of flirting. Please don’t belittle us in a passive aggressive manner, covering up your “playfully” rude comments with an “I’m joking” or “don’t be so sensitive I’m just playin’.’” Because having to define the “big” word we just used, to prove to you that we know what it means, is highly uncomfortable. Don’t see how far you can push it, ‘cause you’re just being an ass. We see right through you to those little insecurities and that little dick;) We’re not in 2nd grade anymore, so stop throwing your POGs at me.
2. DON’T DO THE STAND-UP ROUTINE. NOT MUCH MORE TO SAY HERE. IF YOU ARE NOT THE “FUNNY ONE” IN YOUR GROUP OF FRIENDS. THEN YOU ARE MOST LIKELY NOT FUNNY. YUP THAT’S IT.
3. STOP BEING TOO EAGER FOR THE BEAVER. Bottom line, we need a chase. Human flaw I guess. The scent of “CK One – Desperation” is potent (smells a little like Axe). And along these lines… here is a texting tidbit: Enthusiasm is good. But, 3+ exclamation marks and 2+ emoticons in one text from a “man”… Desperate.
4. STOP TALKING. LISTEN. If your mother didn’t already teach you this you’re way behind. I mean we like a good back and forth, but a 20 minute monologue screamed in our ear above the music equals deaf ear, spit on the face, and an opportunity to glance over your shoulder for other prospects when you’re sharing too much too soon. A little mystery is always attractive on a man.
5. IF YOU WANT TO STAND OUT, DON’T WEAR A PLAID BUTTON-UP. THEY’RE SEXY, BUT YOU SERIOUSLY ALL LOOK THE SAME.
6. SWITCH HITTING = LAME. Just because you’re at the other side of the bar doesn’t mean we can’t see girl #2 that you’re working. Take a risk, gamble a bit, put ALL of your eggs in one basket and charm the crap out of the girl you REALLY really want. ‘Cause when you spit game at everyone in the room, you’ll end up going home with the “just-in-case 5” instead of the 9 you could have pulled off. If you’re a “2”, go ahead and work that room (you need those odds).
7. BE CONFIDENT NOT COCKY. First off, there is a HUGE difference between confident and cocky: Cocky=overcompensation for insecurities and a lack in confidence, and confident= completely comfortable with oneself (my definitions).
This is a CRUTIAL RULE. The goal is to balance the good guy with confident bad ass, and it’s a tough one to master. But take a look at your group of guy friends, I guarantee that he who pulls quality tail, has serious good cop bad cop swagger.
How you might put this into action: If you met at a bar, and you’re vibing her, be confident, grab her by the hand and say “here, come I want to introduce you to my friends.” Take control. We will succumb if you own it.
On behalf of the men, here is a little note for da ladies: If you see a plaid wearing dude you like, and you’re with a group of friends (and those friends are anywhere from 50%-100% hot girls), your intimidation factor multiplies 10-fold. And the only guy who is going to approach is NOT the kind of guy you want (i.e. belligerent drunk, douchey, cocky, on a dare or just finished his “how to be a ladies man” seminar). So step away and give him the opportunity to approach one-on-one.
8. DON’T BE AN INAPPROPRIATE TOUCHER OF THE SMALL OF HER BACK AT A BAR. It’s okay to do it once or twice with pure intentions. But when there is clearly enough room to get by, no thrusting is necessary. Last week I actually had a certain un-named “class-act” Dancing With the Stars contestant rub, (more like molest) my hip and proceed to ask me why I would wear underwear to the bar. No joke.
9. BE A MAN. Seems pretty obvi, but… most women are naturally more attracted to the guy’s guy. The one who values his friendships, but isn’t obsessed with his friends. It’s still caveman style out there, give us hunter, gatherer, leader and take control… buuuuuuudy (anyone get that reference? Hint: ^picture).
A helpful tidbit: Did you know that that thing you text us with has the ability to allow you to actually speak to a person on the other end?! WOW! So, keep a tiny bit of tradition. Pick up the phone. Just once. Even if it’s just to make a plan… It’ll say a lot about your character.
10. BE SINCERE (the single most important rule). I know Men’s Health is some good shit, but quit utilizing these play-by-play methods they recommend. When you over calculate your game plan it’s just a whole lotta awkward, and almost always will result in our overly used but always successful, girlfriend summoning “help me!” face.
So here is my best advice for the guys:
MEAN IT. Nothing gets us like an honest compliment. If you’re gonna say “you’re beautiful,” or you love our lengthy second toe… say it with sincerity.
LOCK EYES. Don’t waver. Nothing melts a woman more than knowing that we are wanted (sad but true).
BE REAL. Keep your intention pure, and finally…
DO YOU. Confidence comes with being natural and comfortable, and what better way to be comfortable than to be you.
PS: BAD BREATH IS DISGUSTING.
No More Missed Opportunities: How to Approach a Guy
THERE HE IS, “THE HOTTEST GUY EVER” AND YOU’RE PRETTY SURE HE’S LOOKING AT YOU. Maybe he held the door for you or he helped you reach a box of cereal at the grocery store (I’m short… it happens a lot), and what do you do? You walk away and never see him again.
Like 97% of you, I WAS that girl. (I made up that statistic).
So about a year ago, I made a conscious decision to stop telling lame overly embellished and ridiculously intricate stories of the 10 seconds I shared with some hot guy. And now, according to my friends and this one guy at work, my stories are far more interesting. Basically, the mantra was: Put myself out there and make it happen. No matter what. No regrets.
And…
IT’S AMAZING HOW DRASTICALLY MY DATING LIFE HAS CHANGED. SO NOW THAT I HAVE CONQUERED MY FEAR, I DECIDED IT WAS TIME TO INSPIRE THE OTHER 97% OF YOU TO GROW A PAIR… AND APPROACH.
First off, never make yourself feel too awkward, cheesy, or uncomfortable. The goal here is not to come up with some lame-ass speech and work up the guts to recite it to some guy. You have to get creative both with your tactic and with the particular situation you are in. I like to use what I call the “can you imagine” approach: Try thinking how you would joke with your girlfriend about how you would hit on him, “can you imagine if I just ____________”… Fill in that space and then actually make it happen. You’d be surprised how empowering it is to take control.
Now, in going along with the theme of shit I do that results in crazy stories, I now invite you to hear a few of my favorites…
First up. I was out for dinner with a girlfriend a few months back, of course looking like total shit (‘cause the hot guys always flock when your hair’s in a messy bun on the top of your head). On our way out of the restaurant I spotted a table containing four attractive male specimens, one of which caught my eye. And I apparently I caught his, then we caught eachother’s. We both laughed a little. I kept walking. Cranked my neck back for a final au revoir and vanished onto the side street. And that was it, our only interaction. SO, WHAT DOES THE NEW CARA DO? I PULL AN OLD RECEIPT OUT OF MY PURSE, WRITE ON IT “I DON’T BELIEVE IN MISSED OPPORTUNITIES” ALONG WITH MY DIGITS AND HAVE MY FRIEND STRUT BACK OVER AND DELIVER IT TO WHAT IS HOPEFULLY THE RIGHT GUY. I hear a laugh from the table and know that whatever happens, I can go to bed with no regrets. The next day I get a text from my cute new guy who apparently thinks my stank face is “gorgeous,” which is great! But he was an actor. And for all of my LA readers that is ‘nough said. Bottom line is, I liked what I saw and I made it happen. Nothing to lose. Plus he LOVED being approached and better yet his friends were totes jealous of the ballsy interaction.
The thing is, guys think it’s hot when they’re approached. Chances are if you put yourself out there, he’ll at least be nice to your face. I MEAN, I’M GOING TO BE REALLY RUDE HERE FOR A SECOND, BUT IF YOU’RE A 5 AND HE’S A 9, THEN HE’S PROBABLY NOT LOOKING AT YOU THE WAY YOUR DISTORTED MIND THINKS HE’S LOOKING AT YOU, SO DON’T BOTHER. The situation has to be right. If you feel a little chemistry then trust your instinct and act. As an example, and for some “grow-a-pair” inspiration you should check out one of my most famous blog posts, often referred to as the “Virgin America Guy.” If you haven’t read it then you need to. This is not a shameless plug, well maybe it sort of is, but I promise the read is well worth it. The long and the short? Basically, it was my first major “hit on a guy moment.” Virgin America Flight. Touch screen seat-to-seat chat. 10-day whirlwind romance. Hotel room service. Shooting stars. Epic.
Okay movin’ on. This one you’re going to love and will explain the “letter” image for this post. Now, this is a very LA story, and verging on stalker, so please don’t judge. However, if you feel compelled to reach out to the B-list celeb that I will be referring to and drop a good word for me that would be greatly appreciated. Aight, so I had some friends in town. Fast forward to Saturday night, ‘cause all twenty-something tourists need to hit up a club they read about in US Weekly. WE’RE STANDING NEAR THE BAR DANCING AWAY DOIN’ THE “I’M HERE TO DANCE IN A CIRCLE WITH MY GIRLS, LIP SYNC THE WORDS TO SONGS I LIKE, NOW FUCK OFF SKINNY DRUNK BOYS WITH WEIRD POSTURE” DANCE. And who rolls in? None other than the cutest, funniest, Jew-boy alive… MR. ZACH BRAFF. Naturally he chooses to sit at a table directly beside where we are dancing. A few minutes go by and my girlfriend grabs me and yells in my ear over the My Humps remix, “Zach is totally staring at you.” My first thought is, “apparently we are now on a first name basis,” and my second thought is, “there’s no way.” But he was. I didn’t want to be annoying like all of the other girls draped over his table so I played it cool and didn’t approach. We literally stared at each other for an hour. I got annoyed with his lack of balls and walked away, heard his friend (that guy from Clueless and Scrubs- I don’t think anyone knows his real name) say “dude she’s getting away.” Oh man. Anyway this ensued for another hour and I refused to be a star-fucker so I never approached. Felt real stupid after. So the next day I’m out for dinner with a friend and of course I tell her the story and that I’m a lame-ass. And then the most random thing happens, she tells me that our friend works at the gym he works out at (yeah I know, only in LA). So not to be forgotten, I handwrite a witty-ass letter (seen on left page) to be delivered to his sweaty self. Yeah I’m pretty much a stalker, but I figured what the hell. In the end, the letter was delivered. Apparently he gave a little laugh and said he didn’t approach because he had a girlfriend. Yep even lamer. But he still has the note with my digits for future use…so maybe one day Zachy baby… one day;)
Last story. This one is about the great guy with great hair from my last blog. Update: we are no longer dating, but he’s still a great guy and I’m sure he still has great hair. Okay, so I was out at a bar (wow just realized I’m sounding like a party animal, I swear I’m really not) with friends and decided to leave early. So I walked to the valet, and stood shivering with my arms-crossed in the cold Los Angeles air;) Up walks Mr. Smooth (who is slightly inebriated) “what’s up arms crossed?” I loved his segway so we chatted for all of 8 seconds before my car pulled up. I hopped in and proceeded to drive off. He puts his hand to his ear and jokingly mouths the words “call me.” So, because neither of us have each other’s numbers, I PULL OVER AND OPEN MY WINDOW TO SUMMON HIM OVER. AFTER RAGGING ON HIM FOR NOT ASKING IN THE FIRST PLACE, I GIVE HIM MY DIGITS AND WATCH HIS DRUNK LITTLE FINGERS TRY AND TYPE IN MY NUMBER. OBVIOUSLY I NEVER HEARD FROM HIM AGAIN BECAUSE HE REFUSED TO SEARCH “GIRL FROM VALET OUTSIDE OF WINSTON’S” ON HIS PHONE. A week or so later I’m on my Facebook newsfeed and a friend’s picture pops up. I click on it. And who’s in the picture? Him. Six mutual friends and Jewish. Goldmine! So harnessing the extreme power of the FB, (I did not add him, important to note), I shot him a quick message titled “It’s a small small world.” It was cute, short, not crazy and everything started from there. And I guess ended. So be it. But at least I made it happen and gained a great (but short lived) relationship out of it.
So, whether he’s a guy at the Apple store or he’s sitting in front of you at the theatre, all I can say is go for it. You honestly have nothing to lose. And that’s really it. Just be creative, man-up and put it all out there. And if you don’t know what to do… tweet me (@Hes_THAT_guy_) or email me (advice@hesthatguy.net) and I will help you come up with something. I REALIZE THAT NONE OF THESE GUYS HAVE BEEN “THE ONE” BUT AT LEAST I’M GAINING GREAT EXPERIENCES, SOME GOOD DATES, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY THE CONFIDENCE AND SENSE OF EMPOWERMENT THAT COMES WITH TAKING CONTROL.
The Never-Ending Story of Us: Dating in the Digital World
I WAS DATING THIS GUY A FEW MONTHS AGO and like all of my “relationships”… it ended. Boo hoo, don’t feel bad for me because I am totally STOKED that this one is over (sorry to the mystery man if you’re reading this… actually never-mind I’m not sorry). So, when it was “over/fizzling out“ all I could think about was spewing all of the deats (how the hell do you spell that?) to all of you. Issue was: he knew about da blog and I needed to know it was “over over” before I went to battle. Now the real problem was that I couldn’t seem to define an endpoint for us where there was NO communication. If he was still texting me once a week, then I couldn’t convince myself that he didn’t exist anymore… well shit.
So this whole never-ending relationship thing got me thinking…
ACCESSIBILITY IS KIND OF THE WORD OF THIS CENTURY, the six degrees of digital separation that keep you and any guy from your past in a constant state of lingering communication. Whether it was a two-date thing, or a full-fledged relationship, an ex is never really an ex are they?
All it takes is one drunken text from him or an “I just watched The Notebook and I’m feeling a little vulnerable” text from you and BAM, they’re back in your life and right back in the line-up. And because we ALL do it, you have probably also participated in The Facebook Recycling Program™ (i.e. scroll through your friend list and shop for a conquest to flirt with or an old boyfriend to reel back in). Scandalous I know, but you’re lying if you say you don’t shop your list.
I mean after a relationship “ends” you can’t seem to escape them, you have to see the person you are trying so hard to forget everywhere you go. IT’S THAT LITTLE GREEN DOT, (you know the one to the left of their name on G-chat?) proving to you everyday that THEY ARE DEFINITELY STILL ALIVE, sitting on the other side of their computer screen staring right back at your little green dot. And just to make it even weirder, you get to see his daily life played out via FB status updates (yet another reason NOT to add your man to Facebook). It’s like accessibility and communication overload.
Just one simple “what’s doin’?” text and suddenly you don’t know where you stand. I wish I could change my facebook status to “they’re all still texting me, so it’s really really complicated with a few different guys.”
Whether it’s a date, a relationship or a one-night stand, they all exist beyond that one moment in time. The fucker texts you when he’s in town, he texts you when he’s thinking about you, and most importantly, he texts you when his new girlfriend is pissing him off and he needs to know that he’s still “got it” (in the form of female attention). Yeah I see right through you! (The exclamation mark makes it a little less bitter.)
THANKS TO THE DIGITAL AGE, NOTHING IS EVER REALLY OVER, AND WE WILL NEVER BE FULLY RID OF THE MEN, BOYS, LOSERS AND LOVES-OF-OUR-LIVES THAT MAKE UP OUR PASTS.
But that’s ok, because as everything around us evolves, so should the way we date.
My advice? Trust your instincts and know that the intent from each guy is different, some sincere and some… not so much. What I have learned is that there are no more rules to dating, it’s not that simple anymore. So just look out for number one. Whether that means digitally deleting him from your life or texting him back when he’s in town so you can get a little lovin’… the choice is yours.
BECAUSE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE YOU WILL ALWAYS BE JUST “ONE CLICK” AWAY FROM THE PERSON THAT STOLE YOUR HEART, BROKE YOUR HEART, OR JUST PLAIN PLAYED WITH IT.
So He Thinks He’s Got Game?
I SEE RIGHT THROUGH HIM…
Men, if you’re reading this you’re going to hate me, ‘cause I am calling your bluff.
So we’re talking about “game;” the tactics men deploy and why they’re not as smooth as they think. So, I’ve broken it down into 4 different types. However, each of these types can be used in addition to and interchangeably with the others. In other words, ladies watch yo’ backs.
OK, HERE WE GO…
THE FUTURE TALKER:
Ever had a guy you just met start making plans for 6 months from now?
…Take it with a grain of salt (or maybe a ¼ cup). Whether it’s about planning a weekend getaway to Palm Springs or a mention of “you’re going to love my mom,” he is planting the futureseed™ in your head. In the end, this just makes it easier for you to rationalize taking your clothes off. When you can see a future, rationality goes out the door. I am not blaming men for doing this and I honestly don’t believe that most of them are consciously trying to pull the wool over, because it’s natural for them to want to bone, bone bone bone (sounded better with four).
So, WE need to make sure that the gate is up and lowered very slowly with caution when a prospective guest comes to visit. Actions speak louder than words, so listen to their doings (if that’s even possible) cause that’s what they’re really thinking.
HE’S TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL:
“Don’t think, respond,” is advice given to men in the book “The Game.” The funny part is, it actually works on us. It initializes the chase and forces the woman to be the aggressor. We end up prompting all of the questions and wondering the whole time if he is actually interested. And because we’re girls and we love to like a ‘”bad guy,” we’re hooked. However, you can only play along with this one so much. When you are aware of his game, rebuttal his one word responses and faked disinterest with an equally disinterested walk away. Then it’s your turn to get him back at his game.
I GOOGLED YOU AND NOW I CAN PRETEND WE’RE INTO THE SAME THINGS:
This one is a shout out to both men and women. After spending an hour going through page 4 and 5 results of your goggle search, you now know enough to officially be deemed a stalker. All I ask is that you stop googling and actually get to know each other in real life. You DON’T need a ‘leg up’ to have a good date, or maybe you do 
hehe… anyone else get that?
Also guys, don’t say “me too!” all the time. It is much more attractive when you don’t agree with everything we say, it shows us that you are independent and self-assured. And girls, oh girls, I’m calling you out on this one. Don’t tell them you like Death Cab if you’re really a Jay-Z kinda girl. Next thing you know your texting him emo lyrics to songs you’ve never even heard. My advice here… do YOU and nobody else.
AND FINALLY, THE CHARMER:
Ever see a severely mismatched couple and wonder how in the hell THAT guy got HER?
Guaranteed he falls into this category. Typically the charmer is a little mysterious, frighteningly smooth and reels ‘em in with compliments. He never oversteps boundaries but grazes the line (i.e. whispering something in your ear while breathing down your neck… always works on me). In other words, he’s a little bit of a tease and will make you melt before you’re at date two. You’ll feel him stare at you when you’re reading a menu and catch him smiling when you look up. All this is not necessarily disingenuous, but it can be. The charmer is the hardest one to resist. So when you find yourself face-to-face with one, just remember, if he’s smooth with you, then he’s probably smooth with others. So use your intuition. If it feels sincere then proceed, but proceed with caution.
All that said, being hit on is a form of flattery and you should feel good when a guy chooses to use his precious maneuvers on you. This is just a part of the process and it’s okay, as long as you’re not blinded by the game he throws your way.
Be aware- actions speak louder than words, so 90% of what he’s saying is not coming out of his mouth..
Thumb Love: A Keypad romance.
I couldn’t write about dating in the 21st century if I didn’t talk about texting and the role it plays in this techno-age world.
So let’s take it from here: You were just dropped off at home after a great date….
You brush your teeth, wash your face and pretend to keep yourself busy while you wait for it… And oooh, there it is, “I had a great time tonight,” a perfect little message on your phone. You give a little smile and maybe a small fist pump (or an over-the-head lasso) and you welcome the open-door invitation to thumb-throbbing communication overload.
Alright, all you rampant BBMers out there. Ya ready for this? …. ‘cause I’m layin’ it out.
The types: There’s the one who only answers your questions and never asks, the over user of emoticons dude, there’s the immediate and all too eager responder, and then there’s the wait 6 hours to respond and pretend like we are mid-conversation guy. Whichever he is, texting your man is just the way of the world and an unavoidable sign of the times. However, there can be some brutal drawbacks.
The disadvantages of Thumb Love™
1. I’d say definite number 1 reason (for BBMers) is tangible visual rejection in the form of a little “R” next to a check mark. It’s like the text version of “talk to the hand.” Can you imagine if in real life you posed a question to someone and they listened to you, then just chose to be silent. So awkward.
2. You can carry on the slowest, most fragmented conversation for 3 days about total useless crap. Add up all of that time and you’ve just lost a good 4 hours of your life to a lame witty banter about the favorite Disney movies you have in common (mine’s Aladdin).
3. Too much communication. When there is no lull, like anything…there will be burnout.
4. It’s easier to say things you would have never said out loud. Sometimes this can be a good thing (expression of feelings) or a bad thing (expression of sexual feelings). Which brings me to my next point…
5. Things get too sexual too quickly. A few innuendos later, mixed with at least 15 “;)”s and you’ve dug yourself right into the “I’m a slut” hole. Actually, I’m a ”slut hole” works too, kinda catchy.
6. There is no process of discovery. You’re practically dating via messages. Which is dangerous when you can’t judge the physical chemistry you share.
7. It nurtures stalker-tyoes with an open invite to just check-in and see what’s doin’. Which in turn creates a sense of dependency. You know it’s bad when you have a “stalkers” folder on both your BBM and your Facebook chat (yup… I do).
8. Often, you haven’t even gone out on a date, yet you’ve stopped seeing each other, ALL over text messages. How do you even know what you’re throwing away when you haven’t given it the chance?
9. Finally, the worst of all, “plans” and “dates” are never for sure. You can get a text 20 minutes before go-time and suddenly, they’re held up at work and wanting to “push ’til next week.”
All that being said… I heart texting. They say our generation has no patience, and it’s true, we don’t. Texting provides us with a way to stay in contact while multi-tasking through a thousand other things. However, when it comes to dating, I think it’s just a matter of figuring out where and when to draw the line.
So, what to do?
Establish your response time. Don’t be at his beckon call. If you feel a vibration (your cellphone… perv), check the message when YOU have time. If his text requires an answer, then answer. If it doesn’t, then don’t (it’ll only make him want you more). And if the texts are getting out of hand… voice it! Tell him you’re over all of the texting and that he needs to take you out. If he doesn’t, then that’s his loss.
Here’s my opinion, it’s okay to communicate plans and short unimportant conversations via text, but DO NOT get to know each other through your keypad. This is the thing, a guy takes you out on a date because he is “interested” in YOU and wants to get to know YOU better, but how can he do that when you’re layin’ it all out in the pre-qualification round? What’s there to look forward to?
Is seems to me like we have lost all of the excitement, chase and lust that comes with dating, and replaced it with over-accessibility. So my peeps, you can keep spreading the thumb love, but please proceed with caution.
He Loved Her Most When She Loved Him Least…Da Games
To all you hopeless romantics out there,
Yes, this blog title is cynical. Yes, it’s written on a canvas in my living room. And yes, it is completely fucking true (and apparently… I am now swearing).
If you say you hate the games, it’s because YOU are THAT girl. The one taking her cell phone to the bathroom just in case he decides to call back THEN (and planning your quick escape, so that he doesn’t hear the echo of the flushing toilet when you answer). Yes, we actually do that.
So here’s a little advice. You HAVE to play the games. If you don’t like games (I love clue). Then call them something else. Like,…straight-up manipulation. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but, if you want to end up in a mutually respectful relationship, hell, if you want a guy to like you for you, then YOU climb those ladders, YOU pass go and YOU PLAY.
I could go on and on about this topic for days…so I will. Just kidding. I’ll just give you a little peep into one of the many rules I choose to live by:
He says “I’ll call you after work to make plans for tonight.”
What does that even mean? All I have to say is “fuchsia flag” (so much brighter than a “red flag”). Make sure you at least get a rough time…”6:00ish” works for this example.
Step 1: Make back-up plans and whatever you do DO NOT contact him (not even a “?” text message…that still counts ladies) until he contacts you.
Step 2: 6:00 rolls around and he hasn’t called, you can give him a one hour grace period (especially if it was an “ish”)
Step 3: When he hasn’t called at 7:15 and your stomach is growling profanities at you, head off on your back-up plans. ‘Cause if he’s not going to respect your time, than you’re not going to respect his.
Step 4: Inevitably he calls at 9:04, because he WILL try to see what he can get away with. And that extra 4 minutes guarantees that it was past 9:00. What a tool. (Boooo to tools and boo to douche while we’re at it).
Step 5: DO NOT ANSWER. Voicemail voicemail voicemail. He cannot know you’ve been waiting for him.
Step 6: Calculate the number of hours he made you wait. In this case… 3.
Step 7: Continue about your evening. And roughly three hours from the time he called you, you can call him back. Whether you are leaving a voicemail or he answers (which he won’t…cause you’ve taken away some of his control) you are “nonchalant,” about him not calling and had a “great night” without him. Whether you actually did or not.
Steps 8, 9 & 10: Because you respect yourself, he learns to respect you. (I felt like it wasn’t complete until there were 10 steps)
Bottom line– respect is what you demand when you show that dependence doesn’t rule your life.
So play da game chicas!
Tata for now…
Queen of the ellipses (it had to be said)
Man-Up Ladies: Why it’s Good to be the aggressor
It all began 10 days ago…
I was sitting at LAX waiting to board a Virgin America flight to San Francisco…
when out of the corner of my eye I spotted him. You know, that guy that you immediately think, “he’s so my type.” In true female form I chose to not do anything about it. In other words stare at him until he looked at me, and then look away. Good thing was, the stares didn’t seem one sided. But once again, ego got in the way and I sat there pretending I was too cool.
20 minutes later: Flight is boarded and full. With “he’s so my type” sitting 3 rows back.
One minute later: (after a long talk with myself about what a loser I am)… an epiphany “Virgin America has seat-to-seat chat!” Oh yes, there it was, the opportunity for me to finally put myself out there and man-the-f-up (I haven’t decided whether or not to swear in this blog yet).
After an excruciating 4 minutes with my right index finger hovering over the “Request to chat with seat 7C?” button. I touched the screen, and there was no turning back. I did it! Rejection or not, I did my part.
7C: ?
4C (me): Are you the guy in the black hat?
7C: haha yes??
4C: I’m not usually this Ballsy, but you’re super cute and I had to try out this chat application…
(ahaha. I know…so awkward. Worst opening line ever.)
45 minutes later, after an amazing chat with 7C, and no bathroom breaks for either of us (that would mean passing by each other…again, awkward), and some of the world’s worst typos, I felt nothing but pure victory.
4C: So you realize we’re actually going to have to see each other when we land?
7C: Have to? I was looking forward to it.
4C: I’ll wait for you when we get off the flight
I have to say that THAT face-to-face was one of the least awkward, most comfortable moments I’ve had with someone I just hit on. So he walked me to baggage claim and asked me for my digits. Yee haw!
We spent the rest of my 10-day “business trip” nights together. One simultaneous shooting star viewing party (yes that really happened), hours of great conversation, and a little bit of South Bay lingo adjustment later, I was hooked. Ooh and I should add, a definite solid 10 kisser.
Anyway, mush mush mush, I know you are all sick of hearing about my oh so wonderful dating life, but there is a point here. It’s a different world now and if we want equality ladies, then we can’t choose where and when it is applicable. YOU, put in some of the effort, and YOU will reap the rewards. Sitting back and waiting isn’t going to get you anywhere. Just think of all of those guys in the grocery store that you never approached, and what it could have been.
I’ll leave you with a profound little tidbit from 7C that stuck with me. You have no control over the year you are born or the year you die, but you do have a choice as to what happens in between. The “dash” is up to you.
As for me and 7C, time will tell…