Join. So You Know
Good Thoughts. Bad
You Know You Need Help.
Holler For Advice
Who The Hell Am I?Turn-Ons & Turn-Offs: Gettin’ All Hot and Bothered
“What’s your type?” Most would say this is pretty easy question to answer. Straight up, I don’t really agree. As much as you think that every guy you’ve dated might resemble a c-list version of John Stamos, that’s not ALL it’s about. Cause you know we’ve all broken the mold and dated the occasional “REALLY? Him?”.
Anyway, I’ve decided to make a guide, for the guys AND the girls, because regardless of what you think your type is, there are definitely some over-arching principles that apply to everyone: Turn-ons, turn-offs, what to do, what not to do blah blah blah.
Let’s get ‘er going. In the most random order ever. Starting with…
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WEARING?
Guys. A suit? At the bar? Oh man. It’s a Saturday, so there is no way you just got off work and came straight out. You planned that shit. Not cool. Coming in at a close second, the white button up… TUCKED IN. Don’t do it.
Sweatpants. Yes, the elasticized ankle ones. Surprisingly, a personal favorite of mine (and of most of my friends). If you can pull these off, (as a good grocery shopping look) it’s a serious turn-on. (DISCLAIMER: they must be baggy, if they’re short and cutting into your balls… it doesn’t count).
Plus-up on Halloween. Same old rules apply. A man in uniform is hot. So take advantage, do firefighter, or football player. Dressing like a woman or going white trash, hilarious YES, attractive NO.
Fo ma ladies. Whether the guys know it or not… They like to leave a lil’ something to the imagination, so show one at a time: Just the legs = CLASSY. A little peak at the tatas =CLASSY. Both = DTF.
Leave your high-waisted pants at home. Guys are simple. They like dresses, heels and skirts. They get real confused when you start throwing in non-functional items like jumpsuits, rompers and open toed booties. Save those for dinner with the girls. If you’re ridiculously hot, wear whatever the hell you want.
GIVING GOOD HEAD
A guy who can pull off a baseball cap… mmm one of my personal faves. BUT don’t wear a hat if this is the first time we’re seeing you, ‘cause we’ll automatically assume you’re balding. I don’t want my baby comin’ out with no widow’s peak. Sidenote: LL Cool J is the only man alive who can pull off a Kangol, so stop trying.
A note on hair gel: If we can see through your shiny spikes to your scalp. Lay off of it.
It’s real simple for the girls, unless you’re a model or just really fuckin’ hot, DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR SHORT.
UNDEES
Guys: Whether it’s boxers, briefs, boxer-briefs, Disney-themed, or the same pair for last 3 days cause you didn’t do your laundry… it doesn’t really matter. If we’re seeing you in them, chances are you were doing the right thing.
Girls: Once again it’s simple, don’t wear beige. skintone = grandma.
YO FACE: The overly metrosexual thing is DONE. Sport your scruff, don’t talk to me about manicures, stop waxing your eyebrows and be a man. (If you have a unibrow, go ahead and tweeze).
Girls, on behalf of the boys, LAY OFF THE MAKEUP. Your cake-face is not fooling anyone. Well, maybe in dim lighting it is, but a guy wants to know that in the morning his pillow isn’t going to resemble what once was your face.
TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF
Guys: Cut your nails, brush your teeth and manscape. ‘Cause if the lawn isn’t cut, nobody is coming out to play.
Smell Good. Ditch your 1999 bottle of leftover Polo Sport and titillate our senses. As a small disclaimer: please limit to 2-3 sprays, if we can smell your presence in the room an hour later, not a good thing.
Girls: Shave (obviously)… just don’t talk about it. Guys want to believe two things 1. We’re naturally soft and smooth, and 2. We don’t go to the bathroom.
SHOES
Tell me something… why is it that even the coolest most fashionable guys still wear shiny, black, ugly-ass, wide, SQUARE-TOED, 1998, Steve Madden dress shoes when they have to put on a suit?! Fucking throw them away. NOW.
A few random things ALL guys MUST have:
- • A car. If it has power windows… second date for sure.
- • A bedroom, that is NOT in your parent’s house = Good start.
- • An apartment that you share =Decent.
- • An apartment you can call your own= Solid.
- • An apartment you actually OWN = Shamazeballs. (ANNNDDD as an added bonus you don’t have to be as cute as the guy who shares his apartment… Just sayin’).
- • A solid personality. If it’s real good, you can be chubby chubberson and we won’t give a shit.
A few random things ALL guys MUST NOT have:
-
• Diamond studs. It’s not 2001. Say “Bye, Bye, Bye” (Get it?!)… Even you Rob Kardashian.
- • Too many girlfriends. Not enough guys friends.
- • True religion jeans.
- • Wispies. If you’re bald. Shave it.
A few random things ALL girls MUST have:
- • Boobs (small, big, whatevs… just gotta have ‘em)
- • An attractive or at least decent looking mother. If she’s not, do your best to keep those pictures under raps until he is in love. Genetics are a bitch.
On that note let’s closer ‘er down…
I’m going to put it out there like this. For the guys, what they are looking for is pretty basic, and as usual Usher said it best, “a lady in the streets but a freak in the sheets. “
For the girls, it’s a sad truth that having money, power or good looks can do wonders for your dating life. But, in the spirit of my cheesy-ass conclusions I would like to argue that humor, whit, sincerity, intelligence and maybe a little athleticism, can have an equally good return. Just make sure if you’re missing one of the top three, that you at least have a job… or an accent.
PS: a mustache is never a turn-on.
PPS: PS is my new thang.
Flirting Like a Real Man: Land THAT Girl
I’m helping out ma boys today. So, all you men who pretend not to read my blog; take your computer to the bathroom, lock yourself in, turn on the fan and STUDY this shit (THIS shit).
Before we get to the goods I am going to give you a little insight into da female species: No matter how sweet we pretend to be, all girls are judgmental little bitches. Your entrance maneuver determines EVERYTHING. Whether we give you the rights to be called your actual name when we are chatting over dinner, or whether the stupid shit you do gives you a nickname like “rehab.” Or better yet, your impression is so bland we name you after the location we met i.e. “Bar210.” Never a good sign. So the Goal is… KEEP YOUR NAME.
Movin’ on. I will make no promises, buuuut if you’re used to “7”s you can take to bed, I’ll get you “9”s you can take to mom. Now how do we get there you ask?
THIS is how to land THAT girl:
Disclaimer: If you are looking to bone or make some one-night lovin’ and don’t really give a shit about the impression you’re making, then this might be a little too much effort for you. Just a head’s up.
Da rules to live by (don’t be scurred):
1. RID YOURSELF OF THE HATER FLIRTER. Mean flirting has to be THE worst kind of flirting. Please don’t belittle us in a passive aggressive manner, covering up your “playfully” rude comments with an “I’m joking” or “don’t be so sensitive I’m just playin’.’” Because having to define the “big” word we just used, to prove to you that we know what it means, is highly uncomfortable. Don’t see how far you can push it, ‘cause you’re just being an ass. We see right through you to those little insecurities and that little dick;) We’re not in 2nd grade anymore, so stop throwing your POGs at me.
2. DON’T DO THE STAND-UP ROUTINE. NOT MUCH MORE TO SAY HERE. IF YOU ARE NOT THE “FUNNY ONE” IN YOUR GROUP OF FRIENDS. THEN YOU ARE MOST LIKELY NOT FUNNY. YUP THAT’S IT.
3. STOP BEING TOO EAGER FOR THE BEAVER. Bottom line, we need a chase. Human flaw I guess. The scent of “CK One – Desperation” is potent (smells a little like Axe). And along these lines… here is a texting tidbit: Enthusiasm is good. But, 3+ exclamation marks and 2+ emoticons in one text from a “man”… Desperate.
4. STOP TALKING. LISTEN. If your mother didn’t already teach you this you’re way behind. I mean we like a good back and forth, but a 20 minute monologue screamed in our ear above the music equals deaf ear, spit on the face, and an opportunity to glance over your shoulder for other prospects when you’re sharing too much too soon. A little mystery is always attractive on a man.
5. IF YOU WANT TO STAND OUT, DON’T WEAR A PLAID BUTTON-UP. THEY’RE SEXY, BUT YOU SERIOUSLY ALL LOOK THE SAME.
6. SWITCH HITTING = LAME. Just because you’re at the other side of the bar doesn’t mean we can’t see girl #2 that you’re working. Take a risk, gamble a bit, put ALL of your eggs in one basket and charm the crap out of the girl you REALLY really want. ‘Cause when you spit game at everyone in the room, you’ll end up going home with the “just-in-case 5” instead of the 9 you could have pulled off. If you’re a “2”, go ahead and work that room (you need those odds).
7. BE CONFIDENT NOT COCKY. First off, there is a HUGE difference between confident and cocky: Cocky=overcompensation for insecurities and a lack in confidence, and confident= completely comfortable with oneself (my definitions).
This is a CRUTIAL RULE. The goal is to balance the good guy with confident bad ass, and it’s a tough one to master. But take a look at your group of guy friends, I guarantee that he who pulls quality tail, has serious good cop bad cop swagger.
How you might put this into action: If you met at a bar, and you’re vibing her, be confident, grab her by the hand and say “here, come I want to introduce you to my friends.” Take control. We will succumb if you own it.
On behalf of the men, here is a little note for da ladies: If you see a plaid wearing dude you like, and you’re with a group of friends (and those friends are anywhere from 50%-100% hot girls), your intimidation factor multiplies 10-fold. And the only guy who is going to approach is NOT the kind of guy you want (i.e. belligerent drunk, douchey, cocky, on a dare or just finished his “how to be a ladies man” seminar). So step away and give him the opportunity to approach one-on-one.
8. DON’T BE AN INAPPROPRIATE TOUCHER OF THE SMALL OF HER BACK AT A BAR. It’s okay to do it once or twice with pure intentions. But when there is clearly enough room to get by, no thrusting is necessary. Last week I actually had a certain un-named “class-act” Dancing With the Stars contestant rub, (more like molest) my hip and proceed to ask me why I would wear underwear to the bar. No joke.
9. BE A MAN. Seems pretty obvi, but… most women are naturally more attracted to the guy’s guy. The one who values his friendships, but isn’t obsessed with his friends. It’s still caveman style out there, give us hunter, gatherer, leader and take control… buuuuuuudy (anyone get that reference? Hint: ^picture).
A helpful tidbit: Did you know that that thing you text us with has the ability to allow you to actually speak to a person on the other end?! WOW! So, keep a tiny bit of tradition. Pick up the phone. Just once. Even if it’s just to make a plan… It’ll say a lot about your character.
10. BE SINCERE (the single most important rule). I know Men’s Health is some good shit, but quit utilizing these play-by-play methods they recommend. When you over calculate your game plan it’s just a whole lotta awkward, and almost always will result in our overly used but always successful, girlfriend summoning “help me!” face.
So here is my best advice for the guys:
MEAN IT. Nothing gets us like an honest compliment. If you’re gonna say “you’re beautiful,” or you love our lengthy second toe… say it with sincerity.
LOCK EYES. Don’t waver. Nothing melts a woman more than knowing that we are wanted (sad but true).
BE REAL. Keep your intention pure, and finally…
DO YOU. Confidence comes with being natural and comfortable, and what better way to be comfortable than to be you.
PS: BAD BREATH IS DISGUSTING.
No More Missed Opportunities: How to Approach a Guy
THERE HE IS, “THE HOTTEST GUY EVER” AND YOU’RE PRETTY SURE HE’S LOOKING AT YOU. Maybe he held the door for you or he helped you reach a box of cereal at the grocery store (I’m short… it happens a lot), and what do you do? You walk away and never see him again.
Like 97% of you, I WAS that girl. (I made up that statistic).
So about a year ago, I made a conscious decision to stop telling lame overly embellished and ridiculously intricate stories of the 10 seconds I shared with some hot guy. And now, according to my friends and this one guy at work, my stories are far more interesting. Basically, the mantra was: Put myself out there and make it happen. No matter what. No regrets.
And…
IT’S AMAZING HOW DRASTICALLY MY DATING LIFE HAS CHANGED. SO NOW THAT I HAVE CONQUERED MY FEAR, I DECIDED IT WAS TIME TO INSPIRE THE OTHER 97% OF YOU TO GROW A PAIR… AND APPROACH.
First off, never make yourself feel too awkward, cheesy, or uncomfortable. The goal here is not to come up with some lame-ass speech and work up the guts to recite it to some guy. You have to get creative both with your tactic and with the particular situation you are in. I like to use what I call the “can you imagine” approach: Try thinking how you would joke with your girlfriend about how you would hit on him, “can you imagine if I just ____________”… Fill in that space and then actually make it happen. You’d be surprised how empowering it is to take control.
Now, in going along with the theme of shit I do that results in crazy stories, I now invite you to hear a few of my favorites…
First up. I was out for dinner with a girlfriend a few months back, of course looking like total shit (‘cause the hot guys always flock when your hair’s in a messy bun on the top of your head). On our way out of the restaurant I spotted a table containing four attractive male specimens, one of which caught my eye. And I apparently I caught his, then we caught eachother’s. We both laughed a little. I kept walking. Cranked my neck back for a final au revoir and vanished onto the side street. And that was it, our only interaction. SO, WHAT DOES THE NEW CARA DO? I PULL AN OLD RECEIPT OUT OF MY PURSE, WRITE ON IT “I DON’T BELIEVE IN MISSED OPPORTUNITIES” ALONG WITH MY DIGITS AND HAVE MY FRIEND STRUT BACK OVER AND DELIVER IT TO WHAT IS HOPEFULLY THE RIGHT GUY. I hear a laugh from the table and know that whatever happens, I can go to bed with no regrets. The next day I get a text from my cute new guy who apparently thinks my stank face is “gorgeous,” which is great! But he was an actor. And for all of my LA readers that is ‘nough said. Bottom line is, I liked what I saw and I made it happen. Nothing to lose. Plus he LOVED being approached and better yet his friends were totes jealous of the ballsy interaction.
The thing is, guys think it’s hot when they’re approached. Chances are if you put yourself out there, he’ll at least be nice to your face. I MEAN, I’M GOING TO BE REALLY RUDE HERE FOR A SECOND, BUT IF YOU’RE A 5 AND HE’S A 9, THEN HE’S PROBABLY NOT LOOKING AT YOU THE WAY YOUR DISTORTED MIND THINKS HE’S LOOKING AT YOU, SO DON’T BOTHER. The situation has to be right. If you feel a little chemistry then trust your instinct and act. As an example, and for some “grow-a-pair” inspiration you should check out one of my most famous blog posts, often referred to as the “Virgin America Guy.” If you haven’t read it then you need to. This is not a shameless plug, well maybe it sort of is, but I promise the read is well worth it. The long and the short? Basically, it was my first major “hit on a guy moment.” Virgin America Flight. Touch screen seat-to-seat chat. 10-day whirlwind romance. Hotel room service. Shooting stars. Epic.
Okay movin’ on. This one you’re going to love and will explain the “letter” image for this post. Now, this is a very LA story, and verging on stalker, so please don’t judge. However, if you feel compelled to reach out to the B-list celeb that I will be referring to and drop a good word for me that would be greatly appreciated. Aight, so I had some friends in town. Fast forward to Saturday night, ‘cause all twenty-something tourists need to hit up a club they read about in US Weekly. WE’RE STANDING NEAR THE BAR DANCING AWAY DOIN’ THE “I’M HERE TO DANCE IN A CIRCLE WITH MY GIRLS, LIP SYNC THE WORDS TO SONGS I LIKE, NOW FUCK OFF SKINNY DRUNK BOYS WITH WEIRD POSTURE” DANCE. And who rolls in? None other than the cutest, funniest, Jew-boy alive… MR. ZACH BRAFF. Naturally he chooses to sit at a table directly beside where we are dancing. A few minutes go by and my girlfriend grabs me and yells in my ear over the My Humps remix, “Zach is totally staring at you.” My first thought is, “apparently we are now on a first name basis,” and my second thought is, “there’s no way.” But he was. I didn’t want to be annoying like all of the other girls draped over his table so I played it cool and didn’t approach. We literally stared at each other for an hour. I got annoyed with his lack of balls and walked away, heard his friend (that guy from Clueless and Scrubs- I don’t think anyone knows his real name) say “dude she’s getting away.” Oh man. Anyway this ensued for another hour and I refused to be a star-fucker so I never approached. Felt real stupid after. So the next day I’m out for dinner with a friend and of course I tell her the story and that I’m a lame-ass. And then the most random thing happens, she tells me that our friend works at the gym he works out at (yeah I know, only in LA). So not to be forgotten, I handwrite a witty-ass letter (seen on left page) to be delivered to his sweaty self. Yeah I’m pretty much a stalker, but I figured what the hell. In the end, the letter was delivered. Apparently he gave a little laugh and said he didn’t approach because he had a girlfriend. Yep even lamer. But he still has the note with my digits for future use…so maybe one day Zachy baby… one day;)
Last story. This one is about the great guy with great hair from my last blog. Update: we are no longer dating, but he’s still a great guy and I’m sure he still has great hair. Okay, so I was out at a bar (wow just realized I’m sounding like a party animal, I swear I’m really not) with friends and decided to leave early. So I walked to the valet, and stood shivering with my arms-crossed in the cold Los Angeles air;) Up walks Mr. Smooth (who is slightly inebriated) “what’s up arms crossed?” I loved his segway so we chatted for all of 8 seconds before my car pulled up. I hopped in and proceeded to drive off. He puts his hand to his ear and jokingly mouths the words “call me.” So, because neither of us have each other’s numbers, I PULL OVER AND OPEN MY WINDOW TO SUMMON HIM OVER. AFTER RAGGING ON HIM FOR NOT ASKING IN THE FIRST PLACE, I GIVE HIM MY DIGITS AND WATCH HIS DRUNK LITTLE FINGERS TRY AND TYPE IN MY NUMBER. OBVIOUSLY I NEVER HEARD FROM HIM AGAIN BECAUSE HE REFUSED TO SEARCH “GIRL FROM VALET OUTSIDE OF WINSTON’S” ON HIS PHONE. A week or so later I’m on my Facebook newsfeed and a friend’s picture pops up. I click on it. And who’s in the picture? Him. Six mutual friends and Jewish. Goldmine! So harnessing the extreme power of the FB, (I did not add him, important to note), I shot him a quick message titled “It’s a small small world.” It was cute, short, not crazy and everything started from there. And I guess ended. So be it. But at least I made it happen and gained a great (but short lived) relationship out of it.
So, whether he’s a guy at the Apple store or he’s sitting in front of you at the theatre, all I can say is go for it. You honestly have nothing to lose. And that’s really it. Just be creative, man-up and put it all out there. And if you don’t know what to do… tweet me (@Hes_THAT_guy_) or email me (advice@hesthatguy.net) and I will help you come up with something. I REALIZE THAT NONE OF THESE GUYS HAVE BEEN “THE ONE” BUT AT LEAST I’M GAINING GREAT EXPERIENCES, SOME GOOD DATES, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY THE CONFIDENCE AND SENSE OF EMPOWERMENT THAT COMES WITH TAKING CONTROL.
Two Singles Together: Miss independent
“…a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Mathew 19:4-6)
So, besides the fact that I am not a religious person, I thought I would use this bible passage as a segway into a topic I feel pretty strongly about. First off, I have no problem with religion, however 4000 years can make a real difference in the dating scene, so I think Moses would be okay with a few revisions.
It starts right in the beginning. You do it every time, you slowly give up your sense of self and start tumbling down the slippery slope until you’ve shot yourself with the Gun of Dependence™.
Setting the Tone: It’s only your third date and you’re somehow at Wholefoods with a recipe and grocery list in hand (in case you’re a little slow… you’re cooking him dinner). Now, there’s nothing wrong with a little romance, however, there can be when you’re giving up too much of yourself too soon.
The brilliant tip: Don’t make yourself too accessible in the beginning. Don’t cancel dinner dates with your girlfriends or switch around your schedule to accommodate him. Set the tone, this is your life, and he will fit in (not takeover).
The relationship: Okay, so we all know this girl: The one who is totally obsessed with her boyfriend (but pretends not to be). Meaning, she comes out with you only when he’s out of town… and doesn’t think you notice. Every story she tells involves him and when the girls want to go out for a drink after work she opts out because she’d rather sit on the couch and wait ’til he gets home from work. (Joke’s on her when he comes home for a quick shower before heading out with the guys).
The brilliant tip: Have your girl’s night and keep up those friendships not only when he’s got other plans, but when you genuinely choose to be sans the manwhich. Not only is this for you to maintain a sense of self, but when he knows you can stand on your own two feet without him, he’ll respect you and more importantly, you will respect yourself.
The eventual demise (dun dun dun): You’ve reached the tag-along stage. You’re with him and his friends watching a game you don’t give a shit about, wearing a cute team t-shirt you spent $25 bucks on just so that you can be in his presence and even though he said, “yah whatever, its cool- just come,” he’s lying… and you’re in denial if you can’t hear the animosity in his voice. In time, you will feel like an idiot and he will grow resentful of you and your dependence on him.
If you are not already there, you will eventually get to the point where his friends are your friends and you can’t tell where one of you begins and the other one ends. Your relationship has become an obligation and the two people that you once were have morphed into one.
The brilliant tip: Maintain your independence so that you can appreciate the quality time that you do have together. Learn from each other and those experiences that you have as SEPARATE PEOPLE, because without those experiences how can you expect your relationship to grow?
They say, “absence makes the heart grow fonder” and that didn’t come out of thin air; its true. So, the next time you have an urge to tag along on “guys night,” don’t!
Final words of wisdom, (I swear these are actually my final words):
Remain an indefinite challenge to him through your independence. Don’t NEED him, WANT him. And most importantly, be two singles together… and you’re golden.
(This all coming from a serial dater who hasn’t had a normal relationship in God knows how long. Oh well, ha. Hope it works for you!)
Fake it ’til you make it: Feeding the male ego
So I was out for drinks with a few friends the other night, when after a long conversation about sex, one of my MALE friends made this statement: “I have never had a girl fake it with me.” Wow, with such assurance, said the king.
After bowing down to him, I knew right then and there that this needed to be cleared up once and for all.
This is a warning. Before you read on: if you are my grandmother, earmuffs please… If you work with me, definite earmuffs. And if you are a prude, then stop reading.
I am going to start with a little pre-sex dating scenario as a warm-up to my call-to-action.
And it goes a lil’ somethin’ like this… ugh, (I literally just did the running man). Okay, so you’re pretty sure that you’re ready. Whether you’ve been dating a week or 6 months, you’ve managed to squeeze yourself in for a “just in case” Brazilian before your date. So in other words, you’re ready to play a little ‘dip the beak.’
Of course you’ve decided to have a “low-key night” and just “rent a movie or something” (because neither of you have any idea what THAT means). The movie’s been on for 20 minutes yet you can’t even remember the title because you’re completely consumed by the approaching moment. So flash forward through 8 minutes of “accidental” elbow touching, arm tickling and eventually, “I’m cold, do you want a blanket” (even though it’s summer and you have no air conditioning).
It’s been about 2-40 minutes (depending on the guy). Your hips are hurting, you have rug burn on your knees, and you’re pretty sure you’re over it (it’s just not gonna happen on your end). So what to do? You tell him you’re “there,” throw in a few extra grunts, shout out his name and put “F$%# me” on repeat (wow that was vulgar). Done and done. Harmless…right?
Maybe not. What do we have left after pretending to have had the best ride of our life? Nothing but a man with a blown out ego. Why do we feel it is our duty to protect that ego? Because we’re worried we might lose him? Or maybe we don’t want to make him feel any less of a man. Why are we so damn selfless and submissive?
THIS is a problem. And for all the men who read this blog, you’re not as good as you think (well most of you aren’t, minus one or two). We just feel bad telling you the truth. For all you women who perpetuate this nonsense, you’re just as bad.
Over 70% of women fake orgasms, and 96% of men don’t care. (No, I didn’t make that up. Cosmo said it was true… so it’s true). So where do we go from here? We go to a place not often visited by a woman… the land of complete and utter honesty. Speak your mind, and tell him what you like. And if you didn’t “go” then tell him the truth. It’s okay to be a little selfish when it comes to your pleasure palace. ‘Cause if he’s the right guy then he’ll want you to feel good too.
So this is a call, to ALL women to stop faking. Together we can stop the Male Ego Inflation Crisis (MEIC™), and turn the tables. For once, maybe they’ll be the ones who will feel a little insecure.
I’ll leave you with the final question my “sex god” of a friend asked me that night:
“Why would she fake it? What would any woman possibly have to gain by faking it?”
And my answer…
Time.