Turn-Ons & Turn-Offs: Gettin’ All Hot and Bothered

“What’s your type?” Most would say this is pretty easy question to answer. Straight up, I don’t really agree. As much as you think that every guy you’ve dated might resemble a c-list version of John Stamos, that’s not ALL it’s about. Cause you know we’ve all broken the mold and dated the occasional “REALLY? Him?”.

Anyway, I’ve decided to make a guide, for the guys AND the girls, because regardless of what you think your type is, there are definitely some over-arching principles that apply to everyone: Turn-ons, turn-offs, what to do, what not to do blah blah blah.

Let’s get ‘er going. In the most random order ever. Starting with…

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WEARING?

Guys. A suit? At the bar? Oh man. It’s a Saturday, so there is no way you just got off work and came straight out. You planned that shit. Not cool. Coming in at a close second, the white button up… TUCKED IN.  Don’t do it.

Sweatpants. Yes, the elasticized ankle ones. Surprisingly, a personal favorite of mine (and of most of my friends). If you can pull these off, (as a good grocery shopping look) it’s a serious turn-on. (DISCLAIMER: they must be baggy, if they’re short and cutting into your balls… it doesn’t count).

Plus-up on Halloween. Same old rules apply. A man in uniform is hot. So take advantage, do firefighter, or football player. Dressing like a woman or going white trash, hilarious YES, attractive NO.

Fo ma ladies. Whether the guys know it or not… They like to leave a lil’ something to the imagination, so show one at a time: Just the legs = CLASSY. A little peak at the tatas =CLASSY. Both = DTF.

Leave your high-waisted pants at home. Guys are simple. They like dresses, heels and skirts. They get real confused when you start throwing in non-functional items like jumpsuits, rompers and open toed booties. Save those for dinner with the girls. If you’re ridiculously hot, wear whatever the hell you want.

GIVING GOOD HEAD

A guy who can pull off a baseball cap… mmm one of my personal faves. BUT don’t wear a hat if this is the first time we’re seeing you, ‘cause we’ll automatically assume you’re balding. I don’t want my baby comin’ out with no widow’s peak. Sidenote: LL Cool J is the only man alive who can pull off a Kangol, so stop trying.

A note on hair gel: If we can see through your shiny spikes to your scalp. Lay off of it.

It’s real simple for the girls, unless you’re a model or just really fuckin’ hot, DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR SHORT.

UNDEES

Guys: Whether it’s boxers, briefs, boxer-briefs, Disney-themed, or the same pair for last 3 days cause you didn’t do your laundry… it doesn’t really matter. If we’re seeing you in them, chances are you were doing the right thing.

Girls: Once again it’s simple, don’t wear beige. skintone = grandma.

YO FACE: The overly metrosexual thing is DONE. Sport your scruff, don’t talk to me about manicures, stop waxing your eyebrows and be a man. (If you have a unibrow, go ahead and tweeze).

Girls, on behalf of the boys, LAY OFF THE MAKEUP. Your cake-face is not fooling anyone. Well, maybe in dim lighting it is, but a guy wants to know that in the morning his pillow isn’t going to resemble what once was your face.

TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF

Guys: Cut your nails, brush your teeth and manscape. ‘Cause if the lawn isn’t cut, nobody is coming out to play.

Smell Good. Ditch your 1999 bottle of leftover Polo Sport and titillate our senses. As a small disclaimer: please limit to 2-3 sprays, if we can smell your presence in the room an hour later, not a good thing.

Girls: Shave (obviously)… just don’t talk about it. Guys want to believe two things 1. We’re naturally soft and smooth, and 2. We don’t go to the bathroom.

SHOES

Tell me something… why is it that even the coolest most fashionable guys still wear shiny, black, ugly-ass, wide, SQUARE-TOED, 1998, Steve Madden dress shoes when they have to put on a suit?! Fucking throw them away. NOW.

A few random things ALL guys MUST have:

• • A car. If it has power windows… second date for sure.
• • A bedroom, that is NOT in your parent’s house = Good start.
• • An apartment that you share =Decent.
• • An apartment you can call your own= Solid.
• • An apartment you actually OWN = Shamazeballs. (ANNNDDD as an added bonus you don’t have to be as cute as the guy who  shares his apartment… Just sayin’).
• • A solid personality. If it’s real good, you can be chubby chubberson and we won’t give a shit.

A few random things ALL guys MUST NOT have:

• • Diamond studs. It’s not 2001. Say “Bye, Bye, Bye” (Get it?!)… Even you Rob Kardashian.
• • Too many girlfriends. Not enough guys friends.
• • True religion jeans.
• • Wispies. If you’re bald. Shave it.

A few random things ALL girls MUST have:

• • Boobs (small, big, whatevs… just gotta have ‘em)
• • An attractive or at least decent looking mother. If she’s not, do your best to keep those pictures under raps until he is in love. Genetics are a bitch.

On that note let’s closer ‘er down…

I’m going to put it out there like this. For the guys, what they are looking for is pretty basic, and as usual Usher said it best, “a lady in the streets but a freak in the sheets. “

For the girls, it’s a sad truth that having money, power or good looks can do wonders for your dating life. But, in the spirit of my cheesy-ass conclusions I would like to argue that humor, whit, sincerity, intelligence and maybe a little athleticism, can have an equally good return. Just make sure if you’re missing one of the top three, that you at least have a job… or an accent.

PS: a mustache is never a turn-on.

PPS: PS is my new thang.