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Who The Hell Am I?Flirting Like a Real Man: Land THAT Girl
I’m helping out ma boys today. So, all you men who pretend not to read my blog; take your computer to the bathroom, lock yourself in, turn on the fan and STUDY this shit (THIS shit).
Before we get to the goods I am going to give you a little insight into da female species: No matter how sweet we pretend to be, all girls are judgmental little bitches. Your entrance maneuver determines EVERYTHING. Whether we give you the rights to be called your actual name when we are chatting over dinner, or whether the stupid shit you do gives you a nickname like “rehab.” Or better yet, your impression is so bland we name you after the location we met i.e. “Bar210.” Never a good sign. So the Goal is… KEEP YOUR NAME.
Movin’ on. I will make no promises, buuuut if you’re used to “7”s you can take to bed, I’ll get you “9”s you can take to mom. Now how do we get there you ask?
THIS is how to land THAT girl:
Disclaimer: If you are looking to bone or make some one-night lovin’ and don’t really give a shit about the impression you’re making, then this might be a little too much effort for you. Just a head’s up.
Da rules to live by (don’t be scurred):
1. RID YOURSELF OF THE HATER FLIRTER. Mean flirting has to be THE worst kind of flirting. Please don’t belittle us in a passive aggressive manner, covering up your “playfully” rude comments with an “I’m joking” or “don’t be so sensitive I’m just playin’.’” Because having to define the “big” word we just used, to prove to you that we know what it means, is highly uncomfortable. Don’t see how far you can push it, ‘cause you’re just being an ass. We see right through you to those little insecurities and that little dick;) We’re not in 2nd grade anymore, so stop throwing your POGs at me.
2. DON’T DO THE STAND-UP ROUTINE. NOT MUCH MORE TO SAY HERE. IF YOU ARE NOT THE “FUNNY ONE” IN YOUR GROUP OF FRIENDS. THEN YOU ARE MOST LIKELY NOT FUNNY. YUP THAT’S IT.
3. STOP BEING TOO EAGER FOR THE BEAVER. Bottom line, we need a chase. Human flaw I guess. The scent of “CK One – Desperation” is potent (smells a little like Axe). And along these lines… here is a texting tidbit: Enthusiasm is good. But, 3+ exclamation marks and 2+ emoticons in one text from a “man”… Desperate.
4. STOP TALKING. LISTEN. If your mother didn’t already teach you this you’re way behind. I mean we like a good back and forth, but a 20 minute monologue screamed in our ear above the music equals deaf ear, spit on the face, and an opportunity to glance over your shoulder for other prospects when you’re sharing too much too soon. A little mystery is always attractive on a man.
5. IF YOU WANT TO STAND OUT, DON’T WEAR A PLAID BUTTON-UP. THEY’RE SEXY, BUT YOU SERIOUSLY ALL LOOK THE SAME.
6. SWITCH HITTING = LAME. Just because you’re at the other side of the bar doesn’t mean we can’t see girl #2 that you’re working. Take a risk, gamble a bit, put ALL of your eggs in one basket and charm the crap out of the girl you REALLY really want. ‘Cause when you spit game at everyone in the room, you’ll end up going home with the “just-in-case 5” instead of the 9 you could have pulled off. If you’re a “2”, go ahead and work that room (you need those odds).
7. BE CONFIDENT NOT COCKY. First off, there is a HUGE difference between confident and cocky: Cocky=overcompensation for insecurities and a lack in confidence, and confident= completely comfortable with oneself (my definitions).
This is a CRUTIAL RULE. The goal is to balance the good guy with confident bad ass, and it’s a tough one to master. But take a look at your group of guy friends, I guarantee that he who pulls quality tail, has serious good cop bad cop swagger.
How you might put this into action: If you met at a bar, and you’re vibing her, be confident, grab her by the hand and say “here, come I want to introduce you to my friends.” Take control. We will succumb if you own it.
On behalf of the men, here is a little note for da ladies: If you see a plaid wearing dude you like, and you’re with a group of friends (and those friends are anywhere from 50%-100% hot girls), your intimidation factor multiplies 10-fold. And the only guy who is going to approach is NOT the kind of guy you want (i.e. belligerent drunk, douchey, cocky, on a dare or just finished his “how to be a ladies man” seminar). So step away and give him the opportunity to approach one-on-one.
8. DON’T BE AN INAPPROPRIATE TOUCHER OF THE SMALL OF HER BACK AT A BAR. It’s okay to do it once or twice with pure intentions. But when there is clearly enough room to get by, no thrusting is necessary. Last week I actually had a certain un-named “class-act” Dancing With the Stars contestant rub, (more like molest) my hip and proceed to ask me why I would wear underwear to the bar. No joke.
9. BE A MAN. Seems pretty obvi, but… most women are naturally more attracted to the guy’s guy. The one who values his friendships, but isn’t obsessed with his friends. It’s still caveman style out there, give us hunter, gatherer, leader and take control… buuuuuuudy (anyone get that reference? Hint: ^picture).
A helpful tidbit: Did you know that that thing you text us with has the ability to allow you to actually speak to a person on the other end?! WOW! So, keep a tiny bit of tradition. Pick up the phone. Just once. Even if it’s just to make a plan… It’ll say a lot about your character.
10. BE SINCERE (the single most important rule). I know Men’s Health is some good shit, but quit utilizing these play-by-play methods they recommend. When you over calculate your game plan it’s just a whole lotta awkward, and almost always will result in our overly used but always successful, girlfriend summoning “help me!” face.
So here is my best advice for the guys:
MEAN IT. Nothing gets us like an honest compliment. If you’re gonna say “you’re beautiful,” or you love our lengthy second toe… say it with sincerity.
LOCK EYES. Don’t waver. Nothing melts a woman more than knowing that we are wanted (sad but true).
BE REAL. Keep your intention pure, and finally…
DO YOU. Confidence comes with being natural and comfortable, and what better way to be comfortable than to be you.
PS: BAD BREATH IS DISGUSTING.