Girls are Crazy. Guys are Dicks.

WOW, CAN I JUST TELL YOU HOW EXCITED I’VE BEEN TO WRITE THIS ENTRY?!? (good use of question mark/exclamation right?!) So you may think this blog title is a wee bit of an over-generalization but the more I think about it, the more I realize it’s kinda not.

And now that you are completely offended, yet can’t disagree, I will continue on and clarify with some brilliant insight (I just don’t do modesty).

This all started when the (awesome) guy I am dating (who has really great hair and so far is not a dick) asked me on date #1 if I was a “crazy girl.” And it got me thinking about how many hundreds of guys have told me about some “crazy girl,” they’ve dated, are dating, or in most cases, can’t get rid of. I guess to guys, “all girls are crazy.” Guilty until proven innocent… how fair is that?

So, (because I looove using the word “so”) I have come up with a few guidelines for EVERYONE, and if you choose not to follow them then I hope they at least cross your mind when you’re looking through your boyfriend’s phone and trying to remember the password to his Gmail account.

Guidelines to not being a crazy girl/dickhead:

1. Treat your relationship like any other platonic relationship.

This is going to be a tough one to grasp and refers only to the beginning or foundation stages of a relationship. Okay, try and think about it like this: Imagine building a relationship with a new friend. There are certain ways you handle yourself. You gauge that person and your relationship with them and use this to determine what and how much of yourself to share with them.

Say your new friend mentioned they would try and call after work and they didn’t. You’d prob just shoot a text to check and see where they were at. So why, when it’s a new mancake, would you text, call, lose your cool, leave annoyed voicemails on his phone, then excuse the repetitive calls by claiming that you we’re “worried” he got in an accident. And p.s., if you’re the type of girl that starts calling the hospitals, then you are definitely crazy and I can’t help you. You would never be that needy with your new friend because you don’t want to destroy that relationship or come off too strong. Right!? (another good use).  So why, when it’s a new boyfriend or much much worse, when it’s someone you’re “seeing,” do you feel it’s necessary to vomit your every emotion- filled whim onto them?

Now, I know some of you who are reading this are saying, “I hate playing those games.” Well here’s what I gotta say to you– only crazy girls say that. You’ll use it as an excuse to validate your antics and unnecessary stalker tendencies. I JUST WANT TO BE “REAL” OR “IF I DON’T TEXT HIM BACK, I’M NOT BEING ME.” FUUUUCK THAT. BEING YOURSELF DOESN’T MEAN NOT HAVING A FILTER. You try texting anyone like a needy imbecile and see how they respond. Oh and just a heads up, when a guy texts back “;)” or “:)” it does NOT warrant a response (not even if there is a “yup” beside it). You know who you are…

Shiiiiiiiit this is getting long… Aight, movin on to Guideline #2…

2. Shut your pie/cake/fry hole

You know that feeling when someone pisses you off? Not even your sigoth™ (significant other), just a random friend or family member, and you spew the details of the somewhat insignificant argument to everyone you know? And with each story told your emotions flare up more and more and the more you vent, the slightly more exaggerated the story becomes, until this small annoyance has turned into a “situation” (I hate that I can’t use that word anymore without fist pumping). Imagine what this sort of thing does to a relationship. The more people you involve, the more you get worked up and the more other people’s opinions suddenly become yours. By the time you’re ready to confront the issue you’re raring for a fight so that you can unleash all of the wisdom of your extended family and friends onto him. The problem is, they are not in your relationship. Don’t get me wrong, advice can be great, but it’s important to take a step back.

Ooh and while we’re on the topic of interfering friends… I’m gonna holler at the guys. Please DON’T listen to that one DB friend who thinks it’s always “bros before hos.” The only reason that highschool rule still applies to them is because they can’t get a girl and “bros before hos” is just a less girly way of saying, “I don’t want to lose you baby.” Trust me, when THEY meet the right one, they’ll be the first one pussy-whipped watching The Bachelorette on their girlfriend’s couch.

So, here’s my advice: I know it’s hard for us gossiping yentas, but try to not tell the entire world about every small fight or issue that the two of you have. What I have come to realize is that our generation has the ability to define our own relationships and the way that they work for US. So if you’re the “see each other twice a week” type, or you’re both stage 5 clingers, you need to do what works for you and not allow the judgment of others to cloud that.

I swear we’re almost there. One more. I mean really, someone just get me a book deal already.

3. Innocent until proven guilty

This rule has two parts–one for the crazy girls and one for the dickhead guys…

Part 1. For da girls, this rule is about trust.
I don’t know what it is but it’s fair to assume that at some point we’ve all made the general statement “Guys are dicks.” I don’t know if it’s our past experiences or too much Maury Povich, but somehow we’ve got it in our heads that men are scum bags and that Scott Disick is a fair representation of a typical guy. So once again it’s about an expectation… he’s guilty until proven innocent.

When you create this unfounded lack of trust they have nothing to live up to and your demeanor becomes that of Sherlock Holmes. “Who are you with? When’d you get home? What did you do? What girls were there?” All you really want to say is “Did you cheat on me?” He can see right through it. He will get defensive. Then he will begin to resent your 20 questions. And then, because he’s a guy, he will ignore you just to spite you and assert his independence. It’s just like parenting, IF YOU GIVE THEM TRUST AND RESPECT, (MOST OF THE TIME) THEY WILL LIVE UP TO IT. AND NOT TO MENTION, BE HAPPY WITH THE FACT THAT THEY HAVE AN INDEPENDENT GIRLFRIEND WHO DOESN’T TREAT HER MAN LIKE SHE OWNS HIM.

Now here is the one single disclaimer for the ladies. There is a fine line between trust and not listening to that female intuition. Don’t use this as an excuse to let your eye-fucking-other-girls-whore-of-a- boyfriend be a whore. Snap yourself out of denial because all girls know when their boyfriend is a true Disick (hehe).

Part 2. For da guys, this rule is about “testing” girls.
WHY DO YOU FEEL IT’S NECESSARY TO ASSUME THAT WE ARE GOING TO BE A “CRAZY GIRL”? DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DO THAT? YOU END UP TESTING US, WHETHER IT’S CONSCIOUSLY OR NOT. And half of the time you’re so worried about what “the guys” will think, that your reactions towards us are more about proving to the boys that you don’t take shit from some crazy chick. It ends up in some sort of twisted psych eval. She responded to my text that didn’t require a response (1 crazy point), she answered her phone after 3 rings (1 point) or 1 ring (3 points). Trust me, don’t be shady. Give us the benefit of the doubt, or YOU end up making US crazy.

Okay, we’re pretty much done, just need to conclude. So guys, understand where we are coming from and don’t assume we’re going to stalk or control you. Don’t let anyone besides the two of you enter your relationship and don’t judge each other’s every move. BASICALLY, DON’T BE A DICK.

And finally for all ma crazy ladies out there, it’s simple. If you are dependent upon someone else for your happiness then you will be chasing it forever. Be happy with just you, but appreciate when you have someone to share it with and know that a partner should support you, and not define you.

I’m out on that cheesy-ass note. Peace luvas and friends.