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Crushing Hard: Single and on the Prowl

So currently I’m on the most unintentional of “Guyatis”es. In other words, I am sans any sort of interest, in any sort of man in my life. So like any single girl, what do I do? I CRUSH. (And apparently use the word “any” way too much. Tourettes. Apologies.)

The basics: Dating has changed. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that we should rename it “we’ll see”ing. You might be “hangin’ out”, maybe “bangin’ out”,  “meetin’ up”, “grabbin’ a drink”, or texting a hell of a lot, but… you’re NOT dating. Regardless of how we define it, there’s always SOMETHING on the go, or at least the possibility for something more. But every once in a while, there it is, like a little mini Hiroshima on your dating life. Your phone stops blowin’ up and now you have to scroll REAL far down, to find those useless little witty conversations that used to hold right at the top. So what do you do? You have a small pity party, read through the descent of your last relationship in the form of text history (damn you iPhone storage capacity), and then you try and bring ‘em back up to the top again. And that my friends, is how it all starts…

Before we get into it, you have to understand one thing: WOMEN HAVE NO PROBLEM BEING SINGLE, BUT being without a crush… now that’s a problem. And we’re not like the boys, we can’t just beat off to our Taylor Swift screen saver, OUR fantasy has to be tangible. A real live person, with real live possibility. While you and T-Swift are locking eyes for 60 seconds, we’re trying to envision the multiple scenarios in which we may have our first kiss with our current crush. Yea slightly lame sauce. Stop judging.

Now, when we don’t have a crush, this is how it goes down. We watch a chick flick, feel a little vulnerable and let the strange subconscious (okay partially conscious) man hunt begin.

STOP 1: FACEBOOK CHAT This one is seriously simple, and the best way to ease into your selection process. Take on that live shopping list, re-acquaint yourselfs, scour his tagged photos, pass judgment on his listed “interests”, and line the bottom of your browser window with potential suitors. For all y’all who are still gChat snobs… you’re missin’ out on a whole world of potential.

STOP 2: RECENT TEXT LOG First off, let me just say that I’m in the process of inventing the “REGRETapp,” an app that doesn’t allow you to text certain numbers after 11pm., certain numbers after watching Love Actually and certain numbers AT ALL. Brilliant right? But a lie;) Anyway, dis is what happens: You’re bored, feeling alone or you just happen to be going out in his hood and you fire off the customized “shout-out” texts. Chances are the one who you really wanted to respond won’t. But you may as well try and re-activate, just remember it’s real easy to open that door but a little harder to close.

STOP 3: MAYBE I JUST NEED TO GET LAID Women are just like men. Sometimes, we just want to get some. Yes “get some” (solid use of early 2000s slang). When we’ve been single for a while, we sit around discussing how long it’s been. And when the dry spell becomes unbearable…  As purposefully as possible we run through the gamut of our past, selectively making sure as to not increase our “numbers.” So, if we now have a plutonic relationship, we’re not THAT close anymore (but still maintain some sort of friendship), and we used to DO EET, then you’re in luck and should be expecting a re-kindling of our barely-existent friendship shortly.

STOP 4: A CLOSE RELATIVE OR FRIEND “PLANTS A SEED” You’re lying if you say this hasn’t happened to you. And for some reason I find this one to be hilarballs. It’s simple, someone you trust opens your eyes to a new possibility. Mom calls you up and says, “who is that new boy it says you’re friends with on facebook? He’s cute”, and suddenly, although you never thought he was cute before, you find yourself contemplating a take down. And if your mom isn’t nosy like mine, then it’s a friend. All it takes is an “I love that guy… you should go for it” and BAM we have a new goal in our site-line.

STOP 5: THE FRIEND… OR MORE? This one is ALL about timing. We hang out, it’s cool, but now that I am single my mind runs with the possibility that I am missing something that is there… and a few days later I MAY have mentioned to most of my girlfriends that I’m in love. And once that happens… Oops.

As a note: If you’re the guy in love with the girl, and she just doesn’t see you like that. I have a trick, get a girlfriend… that you actually like. Once she sees you happy with someone else, those thoughts WILL cross her mind. I promise.

Let me get serious for a second here, ‘cause this one needs a disclaimer: Tread very carefully if he or she is your “best friend.” Make sure you are both READY for this to be the start of something amazing or the end of everything, because once you go there, there is rarely any turning back.

STOP 6: BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND RECYCLE Ending on the most dangerous of all. I’m calling it like it is. Amplified by the holidays and large family gatherings, your mind quickly reverts to what’s familiar. It’s kind of like the after affects of attending a wedding, you want that kind of love and you immediately fall back on what you know. You remember the good, and somehow dismiss the bad, and to your friends and family’s dismay you’re “talking again.” And guys, you do this one too. Sometimes, yes it’s worth a rematch, but most of the time, you’re just recycling a whole lot of baggage. Chances are, once the charm of the holidays wears off and the reality of Valentines Day is approaching, it’ll all seem like a really stupid idea. Just sayin’.

Alright, its conclusion time…

You can look at all of this as human weakness, as a display of dependency or human fault. But in reality, you want to know why we crush? We like to fill up what feels empty. That’s why we crush. I don’t care who you are or how independent you claim to be. It doesn’t matter; EVERYONE is searching for it, because there is no better feeling than falling in love.

PS: Sometimes I watch too much One Tree Hill.

PPS: Clearly.

Turn-Ons & Turn-Offs: Gettin’ All Hot and Bothered

“What’s your type?” Most would say this is pretty easy question to answer. Straight up, I don’t really agree. As much as you think that every guy you’ve dated might resemble a c-list version of John Stamos, that’s not ALL it’s about. Cause you know we’ve all broken the mold and dated the occasional “REALLY? Him?”.

Anyway, I’ve decided to make a guide, for the guys AND the girls, because regardless of what you think your type is, there are definitely some over-arching principles that apply to everyone: Turn-ons, turn-offs, what to do, what not to do blah blah blah.

Let’s get ‘er going. In the most random order ever. Starting with…

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WEARING?

Guys. A suit? At the bar? Oh man. It’s a Saturday, so there is no way you just got off work and came straight out. You planned that shit. Not cool. Coming in at a close second, the white button up… TUCKED IN.  Don’t do it.

Sweatpants. Yes, the elasticized ankle ones. Surprisingly, a personal favorite of mine (and of most of my friends). If you can pull these off, (as a good grocery shopping look) it’s a serious turn-on. (DISCLAIMER: they must be baggy, if they’re short and cutting into your balls… it doesn’t count).

Plus-up on Halloween. Same old rules apply. A man in uniform is hot. So take advantage, do firefighter, or football player. Dressing like a woman or going white trash, hilarious YES, attractive NO.

Fo ma ladies. Whether the guys know it or not… They like to leave a lil’ something to the imagination, so show one at a time: Just the legs = CLASSY. A little peak at the tatas =CLASSY. Both = DTF.

Leave your high-waisted pants at home. Guys are simple. They like dresses, heels and skirts. They get real confused when you start throwing in non-functional items like jumpsuits, rompers and open toed booties. Save those for dinner with the girls. If you’re ridiculously hot, wear whatever the hell you want.

GIVING GOOD HEAD

A guy who can pull off a baseball cap… mmm one of my personal faves. BUT don’t wear a hat if this is the first time we’re seeing you, ‘cause we’ll automatically assume you’re balding. I don’t want my baby comin’ out with no widow’s peak. Sidenote: LL Cool J is the only man alive who can pull off a Kangol, so stop trying.

A note on hair gel: If we can see through your shiny spikes to your scalp. Lay off of it.

It’s real simple for the girls, unless you’re a model or just really fuckin’ hot, DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR SHORT.

UNDEES

Guys: Whether it’s boxers, briefs, boxer-briefs, Disney-themed, or the same pair for last 3 days cause you didn’t do your laundry… it doesn’t really matter. If we’re seeing you in them, chances are you were doing the right thing.

Girls: Once again it’s simple, don’t wear beige. skintone = grandma.

YO FACE: The overly metrosexual thing is DONE. Sport your scruff, don’t talk to me about manicures, stop waxing your eyebrows and be a man. (If you have a unibrow, go ahead and tweeze).

Girls, on behalf of the boys, LAY OFF THE MAKEUP. Your cake-face is not fooling anyone. Well, maybe in dim lighting it is, but a guy wants to know that in the morning his pillow isn’t going to resemble what once was your face.

TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF

Guys: Cut your nails, brush your teeth and manscape. ‘Cause if the lawn isn’t cut, nobody is coming out to play.

Smell Good. Ditch your 1999 bottle of leftover Polo Sport and titillate our senses. As a small disclaimer: please limit to 2-3 sprays, if we can smell your presence in the room an hour later, not a good thing.

Girls: Shave (obviously)… just don’t talk about it. Guys want to believe two things 1. We’re naturally soft and smooth, and 2. We don’t go to the bathroom.

SHOES

Tell me something… why is it that even the coolest most fashionable guys still wear shiny, black, ugly-ass, wide, SQUARE-TOED, 1998, Steve Madden dress shoes when they have to put on a suit?! Fucking throw them away. NOW.

A few random things ALL guys MUST have:

  • • A car. If it has power windows… second date for sure.
  • • A bedroom, that is NOT in your parent’s house = Good start.
  • • An apartment that you share =Decent.
  • • An apartment you can call your own= Solid.
  • • An apartment you actually OWN = Shamazeballs. (ANNNDDD as an added bonus you don’t have to be as cute as the guy who  shares his apartment… Just sayin’).
  • • A solid personality. If it’s real good, you can be chubby chubberson and we won’t give a shit.

A few random things ALL guys MUST NOT have:

  • • Diamond studs. It’s not 2001. Say “Bye, Bye, Bye” (Get it?!)… Even you Rob Kardashian.
  • • Too many girlfriends. Not enough guys friends.
  • • True religion jeans.
  • • Wispies. If you’re bald. Shave it.

A few random things ALL girls MUST have:

  • • Boobs (small, big, whatevs… just gotta have ‘em)
  • • An attractive or at least decent looking mother. If she’s not, do your best to keep those pictures under raps until he is in love. Genetics are a bitch.

On that note let’s closer ‘er down…

I’m going to put it out there like this. For the guys, what they are looking for is pretty basic, and as usual Usher said it best, “a lady in the streets but a freak in the sheets. “

For the girls, it’s a sad truth that having money, power or good looks can do wonders for your dating life. But, in the spirit of my cheesy-ass conclusions I would like to argue that humor, whit, sincerity, intelligence and maybe a little athleticism, can have an equally good return. Just make sure if you’re missing one of the top three, that you at least have a job… or an accent.

PS: a mustache is never a turn-on.

PPS: PS is my new thang.

Flirting Like a Real Man: Land THAT Girl

16_Encino-ManI’m helping out ma boys today. So, all you men who pretend not to read my blog; take your computer to the bathroom, lock yourself in, turn on the fan and STUDY this shit (THIS shit).

Before we get to the goods I am going to give you a little insight into da female species: No matter how sweet we pretend to be, all girls are judgmental little bitches. Your entrance maneuver determines EVERYTHING. Whether we give you the rights to be called your actual name when we are chatting over dinner, or whether the stupid shit you do gives you a nickname like “rehab.” Or better yet, your impression is so bland we name you after the location we met i.e. “Bar210.”  Never a good sign. So the Goal is… KEEP YOUR NAME.

Movin’ on. I will make no promises, buuuut if you’re used to “7”s you can take to bed, I’ll get you “9”s you can take to mom. Now how do we get there you ask?

THIS is how to land THAT girl:

Disclaimer: If you are looking to bone or make some one-night lovin’ and don’t really give a shit about the impression you’re making, then this might be a little too much effort for you. Just a head’s up.

Da rules to live by (don’t be scurred):

1. RID YOURSELF OF THE HATER FLIRTER. Mean flirting has to be THE worst kind of flirting. Please don’t belittle us in a passive aggressive manner, covering up your “playfully” rude comments with an “I’m joking” or “don’t be so sensitive I’m just playin’.’” Because having to define the “big” word we just used, to prove to you that we know what it means, is highly uncomfortable. Don’t see how far you can push it, ‘cause you’re just being an ass. We see right through you to those little insecurities and that little dick;) We’re not in 2nd grade anymore, so stop throwing your POGs at me.

2. DON’T DO THE STAND-UP ROUTINE. NOT MUCH MORE TO SAY HERE. IF YOU ARE NOT THE “FUNNY ONE” IN YOUR GROUP OF FRIENDS. THEN YOU ARE MOST LIKELY NOT FUNNY. YUP THAT’S IT.

3. STOP BEING TOO EAGER FOR THE BEAVER. Bottom line, we need a chase. Human flaw I guess. The scent of “CK One – Desperation” is potent (smells a little like Axe). And along these lines… here is a texting tidbit: Enthusiasm is good. But, 3+ exclamation marks and 2+ emoticons in one text from a “man”… Desperate.

4. STOP TALKING. LISTEN. If your mother didn’t already teach you this you’re way behind. I mean we like a good back and forth, but a 20 minute monologue screamed in our ear above the music equals deaf ear, spit on the face, and an opportunity to glance over your shoulder for other prospects when you’re sharing too much too soon. A little mystery is always attractive on a man.

5. IF YOU WANT TO STAND OUT, DON’T WEAR A PLAID BUTTON-UP. THEY’RE SEXY, BUT YOU SERIOUSLY ALL LOOK THE SAME.

6. SWITCH HITTING = LAME. Just because you’re at the other side of the bar doesn’t mean we can’t see girl #2 that you’re working. Take a risk, gamble a bit, put ALL of your eggs in one basket and charm the crap out of the girl you REALLY really want. ‘Cause when you spit game at everyone in the room, you’ll end up going home with the “just-in-case 5” instead of the 9 you could have pulled off. If you’re a “2”, go ahead and work that room (you need those odds).

7. BE CONFIDENT NOT COCKY. First off, there is a HUGE difference between confident and cocky: Cocky=overcompensation for insecurities and a lack in confidence, and confident= completely comfortable with oneself (my definitions).

This is a CRUTIAL RULE. The goal is to balance the good guy with confident bad ass, and it’s a tough one to master. But take a look at your group of guy friends, I guarantee that he who pulls quality tail, has serious good cop bad cop swagger.

How you might put this into action: If you met at a bar, and you’re vibing her, be confident, grab her by the hand and say “here, come I want to introduce you to my friends.” Take control. We will succumb if you own it.

On behalf of the men, here is a little note for da ladies: If you see a plaid wearing dude you like, and you’re with a group of friends (and those friends are anywhere from 50%-100% hot girls), your intimidation factor multiplies 10-fold. And the only guy who is going to approach is NOT the kind of guy you want (i.e. belligerent drunk, douchey, cocky, on a dare or just finished his “how to be a ladies man” seminar). So step away and give him the opportunity to approach one-on-one.

8. DON’T BE AN INAPPROPRIATE TOUCHER OF THE SMALL OF HER BACK AT A BAR. It’s okay to do it once or twice with pure intentions. But when there is clearly enough room to get by, no thrusting is necessary. Last week I actually had a certain un-named “class-act” Dancing With the Stars contestant rub, (more like molest) my hip and proceed to ask me why I would wear underwear to the bar. No joke.

9. BE A MAN. Seems pretty obvi, but… most women are naturally more attracted to the guy’s guy. The one who values his friendships, but isn’t obsessed with his friends. It’s still caveman style out there, give us hunter, gatherer, leader and take control… buuuuuuudy (anyone get that reference? Hint: ^picture).

A helpful tidbit: Did you know that that thing you text us with has the ability to allow you to actually speak to a person on the other end?! WOW! So, keep a tiny bit of tradition. Pick up the phone. Just once. Even if it’s just to make a plan… It’ll say a lot about your character.

10. BE SINCERE (the single most important rule). I know Men’s Health is some good shit, but quit utilizing these play-by-play methods they recommend. When you over calculate your game plan it’s just a whole lotta awkward, and almost always will result in our overly used but always successful, girlfriend summoning “help me!” face.

So here is my best advice for the guys:
MEAN IT. Nothing gets us like an honest compliment. If you’re gonna say “you’re beautiful,” or you love our lengthy second toe… say it with sincerity.

LOCK EYES. Don’t waver. Nothing melts a woman more than knowing that we are wanted (sad but true).

BE REAL. Keep your intention pure, and finally…

DO YOU. Confidence comes with being natural and comfortable, and what better way to be comfortable than to be you.

PS: BAD BREATH IS DISGUSTING.

No More Missed Opportunities: How to Approach a Guy

ZachBraff_mediumTHERE HE IS, “THE HOTTEST GUY EVER” AND YOU’RE PRETTY SURE HE’S LOOKING AT YOU. Maybe he held the door for you or he helped you reach a box of cereal at the grocery store (I’m short… it happens a lot), and what do you do? You walk away and never see him again.

Like 97% of you, I WAS that girl. (I made up that statistic).

So about a year ago, I made a conscious decision to stop telling lame overly embellished and ridiculously intricate stories of the 10 seconds I shared with some hot guy. And now, according to my friends and this one guy at work, my stories are far more interesting. Basically, the mantra was: Put myself out there and make it happen. No matter what. No regrets.

And…

IT’S AMAZING HOW DRASTICALLY MY DATING LIFE HAS CHANGED. SO NOW THAT I HAVE CONQUERED MY FEAR, I DECIDED IT WAS TIME TO INSPIRE THE OTHER 97% OF YOU TO GROW A PAIR… AND APPROACH.

First off, never make yourself feel too awkward, cheesy, or uncomfortable. The goal here is not to come up with some lame-ass speech and work up the guts to recite it to some guy. You have to get creative both with your tactic and with the particular situation you are in. I like to use what I call the “can you imagine” approach: Try thinking how you would joke with your girlfriend about how you would hit on him, “can you imagine if I just ____________”… Fill in that space and then actually make it happen. You’d be surprised how empowering it is to take control.

Now, in going along with the theme of shit I do that results in crazy stories, I now invite you to hear a few of my favorites…

First up.  I was out for dinner with a girlfriend a few months back, of course looking like total shit (‘cause the hot guys always flock when your hair’s in a messy bun on the top of your head). On our way out of the restaurant I spotted a table containing four attractive male specimens, one of which caught my eye. And I apparently I caught his, then we caught eachother’s. We both laughed a little. I kept walking. Cranked my neck back for a final au revoir and vanished onto the side street.  And that was it, our only interaction. SO, WHAT DOES THE NEW CARA DO? I PULL AN OLD RECEIPT OUT OF MY PURSE, WRITE ON IT “I DON’T BELIEVE IN MISSED OPPORTUNITIES” ALONG WITH MY DIGITS AND HAVE MY FRIEND STRUT BACK OVER AND DELIVER IT TO WHAT IS HOPEFULLY THE RIGHT GUY. I hear a laugh from the table and know that whatever happens, I can go to bed with no regrets. The next day I get a text from my cute new guy who apparently thinks my stank face is “gorgeous,” which is great! But he was an actor. And for all of my LA readers that is ‘nough said. Bottom line is, I liked what I saw and I made it happen. Nothing to lose. Plus he LOVED being approached and better yet his friends were totes jealous of the ballsy interaction.

The thing is, guys think it’s hot when they’re approached. Chances are if you put yourself out there, he’ll at least be nice to your face. I MEAN, I’M GOING TO BE REALLY RUDE HERE FOR A SECOND, BUT IF YOU’RE A 5 AND HE’S A 9, THEN HE’S PROBABLY NOT LOOKING AT YOU THE WAY YOUR DISTORTED MIND THINKS HE’S LOOKING AT YOU, SO DON’T BOTHER. The situation has to be right. If you feel a little chemistry then trust your instinct and act. As an example, and for some “grow-a-pair” inspiration you should check out one of my most famous blog posts, often referred to as the “Virgin America Guy.” If you haven’t read it then you need to. This is not a shameless plug, well maybe it sort of is, but I promise the read is well worth it. The long and the short? Basically, it was my first major “hit on a guy moment.” Virgin America Flight. Touch screen seat-to-seat chat. 10-day whirlwind romance. Hotel room service. Shooting stars. Epic.

Okay movin’ on. This one you’re going to love and will explain the “letter” image for this post. Now, this is a very LA story, and verging on stalker, so please don’t judge. However, if you feel compelled to reach out to the B-list celeb that I will be referring to and drop a good word for me that would be greatly appreciated. Aight, so I had some friends in town. Fast forward to Saturday night, ‘cause all twenty-something tourists need to hit up a club they read about in US Weekly. WE’RE STANDING NEAR THE BAR DANCING AWAY DOIN’ THE “I’M HERE TO DANCE IN A CIRCLE WITH MY GIRLS, LIP SYNC THE WORDS TO SONGS I LIKE, NOW FUCK OFF SKINNY DRUNK BOYS WITH WEIRD POSTURE” DANCE. And who rolls in? None other than the cutest, funniest, Jew-boy alive… MR. ZACH BRAFF. Naturally he chooses to sit at a table directly beside where we are dancing. A few minutes go by and my girlfriend grabs me and yells in my ear over the My Humps remix, “Zach is totally staring at you.” My first thought is, “apparently we are now on a first name basis,” and my second thought is, “there’s no way.” But he was. I didn’t want to be annoying like all of the other girls draped over his table so I played it cool and didn’t approach. We literally stared at each other for an hour. I got annoyed with his lack of balls and walked away, heard his friend (that guy from Clueless and Scrubs- I don’t think anyone knows his real name) say “dude she’s getting away.” Oh man. Anyway this ensued for another hour and I refused to be a star-fucker so I never approached. Felt real stupid after. So the next day I’m out for dinner with a friend and of course I tell her the story and that I’m a lame-ass. And then the most random thing happens, she tells me that our friend works at the gym he works out at (yeah I know, only in LA). So not to be forgotten, I handwrite a witty-ass letter (seen on left page) to be delivered to his sweaty self. Yeah I’m pretty much a stalker, but I figured what the hell. In the end, the letter was delivered. Apparently he gave a little laugh and said he didn’t approach because he had a girlfriend. Yep even lamer. But he still has the note with my digits for future use…so maybe one day Zachy baby… one day;)

Last story. This one is about the great guy with great hair from my last blog. Update: we are no longer dating, but he’s still a great guy and I’m sure he still has great hair. Okay, so I was out at a bar (wow just realized I’m sounding like a party animal, I swear I’m really not) with friends and decided to leave early. So I walked to the valet, and stood shivering with my arms-crossed in the cold Los Angeles air;) Up walks Mr. Smooth (who is slightly inebriated) “what’s up arms crossed?” I loved his segway so we chatted for all of 8 seconds before my car pulled up. I hopped in and proceeded to drive off. He puts his hand to his ear and jokingly mouths the words “call me.” So, because neither of us have each other’s numbers, I PULL OVER AND OPEN MY WINDOW TO SUMMON HIM OVER. AFTER RAGGING ON HIM FOR NOT ASKING IN THE FIRST PLACE, I GIVE HIM MY DIGITS AND WATCH HIS DRUNK LITTLE FINGERS TRY AND TYPE IN MY NUMBER. OBVIOUSLY I NEVER HEARD FROM HIM AGAIN BECAUSE HE REFUSED TO SEARCH “GIRL FROM VALET OUTSIDE OF WINSTON’S” ON HIS PHONE. A week or so later I’m on my Facebook newsfeed and a friend’s picture pops up. I click on it. And who’s in the picture? Him. Six mutual friends and Jewish. Goldmine! So harnessing the extreme power of the FB, (I did not add him, important to note), I shot him a quick message titled “It’s a small small world.” It was cute, short, not crazy and everything started from there. And I guess ended. So be it. But at least I made it happen and gained a great (but short lived) relationship out of it.

So, whether he’s a guy at the Apple store or he’s sitting in front of you at the theatre, all I can say is go for it. You honestly have nothing to lose. And that’s really it. Just be creative, man-up and put it all out there. And if you don’t know what to do… tweet me (@Hes_THAT_guy_) or email me (advice@hesthatguy.net) and I will help you come up with something. I REALIZE THAT NONE OF THESE GUYS HAVE BEEN “THE ONE” BUT AT LEAST I’M GAINING GREAT EXPERIENCES, SOME GOOD DATES, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY THE CONFIDENCE AND SENSE OF EMPOWERMENT THAT COMES WITH TAKING CONTROL.

Girls are Crazy. Guys are Dicks.

GirlsarecrazyguysaredicksWOW, CAN I JUST TELL YOU HOW EXCITED I’VE BEEN TO WRITE THIS ENTRY?!? (good use of question mark/exclamation right?!) So you may think this blog title is a wee bit of an over-generalization but the more I think about it, the more I realize it’s kinda not.

And now that you are completely offended, yet can’t disagree, I will continue on and clarify with some brilliant insight (I just don’t do modesty).

This all started when the (awesome) guy I am dating (who has really great hair and so far is not a dick) asked me on date #1 if I was a “crazy girl.” And it got me thinking about how many hundreds of guys have told me about some “crazy girl,” they’ve dated, are dating, or in most cases, can’t get rid of. I guess to guys, “all girls are crazy.” Guilty until proven innocent… how fair is that?

So, (because I looove using the word “so”) I have come up with a few guidelines for EVERYONE, and if you choose not to follow them then I hope they at least cross your mind when you’re looking through your boyfriend’s phone and trying to remember the password to his Gmail account.

Guidelines to not being a crazy girl/dickhead:

1. Treat your relationship like any other platonic relationship.

This is going to be a tough one to grasp and refers only to the beginning or foundation stages of a relationship. Okay, try and think about it like this: Imagine building a relationship with a new friend. There are certain ways you handle yourself. You gauge that person and your relationship with them and use this to determine what and how much of yourself to share with them.

Say your new friend mentioned they would try and call after work and they didn’t. You’d prob just shoot a text to check and see where they were at. So why, when it’s a new mancake, would you text, call, lose your cool, leave annoyed voicemails on his phone, then excuse the repetitive calls by claiming that you we’re “worried” he got in an accident. And p.s., if you’re the type of girl that starts calling the hospitals, then you are definitely crazy and I can’t help you. You would never be that needy with your new friend because you don’t want to destroy that relationship or come off too strong. Right!? (another good use).  So why, when it’s a new boyfriend or much much worse, when it’s someone you’re “seeing,” do you feel it’s necessary to vomit your every emotion- filled whim onto them?

Now, I know some of you who are reading this are saying, “I hate playing those games.” Well here’s what I gotta say to you– only crazy girls say that. You’ll use it as an excuse to validate your antics and unnecessary stalker tendencies. I JUST WANT TO BE “REAL” OR “IF I DON’T TEXT HIM BACK, I’M NOT BEING ME.” FUUUUCK THAT. BEING YOURSELF DOESN’T MEAN NOT HAVING A FILTER. You try texting anyone like a needy imbecile and see how they respond. Oh and just a heads up, when a guy texts back “;)” or “:)” it does NOT warrant a response (not even if there is a “yup” beside it). You know who you are…

Shiiiiiiiit this is getting long… Aight, movin on to Guideline #2…

2. Shut your pie/cake/fry hole

You know that feeling when someone pisses you off? Not even your sigoth™ (significant other), just a random friend or family member, and you spew the details of the somewhat insignificant argument to everyone you know? And with each story told your emotions flare up more and more and the more you vent, the slightly more exaggerated the story becomes, until this small annoyance has turned into a “situation” (I hate that I can’t use that word anymore without fist pumping). Imagine what this sort of thing does to a relationship. The more people you involve, the more you get worked up and the more other people’s opinions suddenly become yours. By the time you’re ready to confront the issue you’re raring for a fight so that you can unleash all of the wisdom of your extended family and friends onto him. The problem is, they are not in your relationship. Don’t get me wrong, advice can be great, but it’s important to take a step back.

Ooh and while we’re on the topic of interfering friends… I’m gonna holler at the guys. Please DON’T listen to that one DB friend who thinks it’s always “bros before hos.” The only reason that highschool rule still applies to them is because they can’t get a girl and “bros before hos” is just a less girly way of saying, “I don’t want to lose you baby.” Trust me, when THEY meet the right one, they’ll be the first one pussy-whipped watching The Bachelorette on their girlfriend’s couch.

So, here’s my advice: I know it’s hard for us gossiping yentas, but try to not tell the entire world about every small fight or issue that the two of you have. What I have come to realize is that our generation has the ability to define our own relationships and the way that they work for US. So if you’re the “see each other twice a week” type, or you’re both stage 5 clingers, you need to do what works for you and not allow the judgment of others to cloud that.

I swear we’re almost there. One more. I mean really, someone just get me a book deal already.

3. Innocent until proven guilty

This rule has two parts–one for the crazy girls and one for the dickhead guys…

Part 1. For da girls, this rule is about trust.
I don’t know what it is but it’s fair to assume that at some point we’ve all made the general statement “Guys are dicks.” I don’t know if it’s our past experiences or too much Maury Povich, but somehow we’ve got it in our heads that men are scum bags and that Scott Disick is a fair representation of a typical guy. So once again it’s about an expectation… he’s guilty until proven innocent.

When you create this unfounded lack of trust they have nothing to live up to and your demeanor becomes that of Sherlock Holmes. “Who are you with? When’d you get home? What did you do? What girls were there?” All you really want to say is “Did you cheat on me?” He can see right through it. He will get defensive. Then he will begin to resent your 20 questions. And then, because he’s a guy, he will ignore you just to spite you and assert his independence. It’s just like parenting, IF YOU GIVE THEM TRUST AND RESPECT, (MOST OF THE TIME) THEY WILL LIVE UP TO IT. AND NOT TO MENTION, BE HAPPY WITH THE FACT THAT THEY HAVE AN INDEPENDENT GIRLFRIEND WHO DOESN’T TREAT HER MAN LIKE SHE OWNS HIM.

Now here is the one single disclaimer for the ladies. There is a fine line between trust and not listening to that female intuition. Don’t use this as an excuse to let your eye-fucking-other-girls-whore-of-a- boyfriend be a whore. Snap yourself out of denial because all girls know when their boyfriend is a true Disick (hehe).

Part 2. For da guys, this rule is about “testing” girls.
WHY DO YOU FEEL IT’S NECESSARY TO ASSUME THAT WE ARE GOING TO BE A “CRAZY GIRL”? DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DO THAT? YOU END UP TESTING US, WHETHER IT’S CONSCIOUSLY OR NOT. And half of the time you’re so worried about what “the guys” will think, that your reactions towards us are more about proving to the boys that you don’t take shit from some crazy chick. It ends up in some sort of twisted psych eval. She responded to my text that didn’t require a response (1 crazy point), she answered her phone after 3 rings (1 point) or 1 ring (3 points). Trust me, don’t be shady. Give us the benefit of the doubt, or YOU end up making US crazy.

Okay, we’re pretty much done, just need to conclude. So guys, understand where we are coming from and don’t assume we’re going to stalk or control you. Don’t let anyone besides the two of you enter your relationship and don’t judge each other’s every move. BASICALLY, DON’T BE A DICK.

And finally for all ma crazy ladies out there, it’s simple. If you are dependent upon someone else for your happiness then you will be chasing it forever. Be happy with just you, but appreciate when you have someone to share it with and know that a partner should support you, and not define you.

I’m out on that cheesy-ass note. Peace luvas and friends.

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