So currently I’m on the most unintentional of “Guyatis”es. In other words, I am sans any sort of interest, in any sort of man in my life. So like any single girl, what do I do? I CRUSH. (And apparently use the word “any” way too much. Tourettes. Apologies.)
The basics: Dating has changed. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that we should rename it “we’ll see”ing. You might be “hangin’ out”, maybe “bangin’ out”, “meetin’ up”, “grabbin’ a drink”, or texting a hell of a lot, but… you’re NOT dating. Regardless of how we define it, there’s always SOMETHING on the go, or at least the possibility for something more. But every once in a while, there it is, like a little mini Hiroshima on your dating life. Your phone stops blowin’ up and now you have to scroll REAL far down, to find those useless little witty conversations that used to hold right at the top. So what do you do? You have a small pity party, read through the descent of your last relationship in the form of text history (damn you iPhone storage capacity), and then you try and bring ‘em back up to the top again. And that my friends, is how it all starts…
Before we get into it, you have to understand one thing: WOMEN HAVE NO PROBLEM BEING SINGLE, BUT being without a crush… now that’s a problem. And we’re not like the boys, we can’t just beat off to our Taylor Swift screen saver, OUR fantasy has to be tangible. A real live person, with real live possibility. While you and T-Swift are locking eyes for 60 seconds, we’re trying to envision the multiple scenarios in which we may have our first kiss with our current crush. Yea slightly lame sauce. Stop judging.
Now, when we don’t have a crush, this is how it goes down. We watch a chick flick, feel a little vulnerable and let the strange subconscious (okay partially conscious) man hunt begin.
STOP 1: FACEBOOK CHAT This one is seriously simple, and the best way to ease into your selection process. Take on that live shopping list, re-acquaint yourselfs, scour his tagged photos, pass judgment on his listed “interests”, and line the bottom of your browser window with potential suitors. For all y’all who are still gChat snobs… you’re missin’ out on a whole world of potential.
STOP 2: RECENT TEXT LOG First off, let me just say that I’m in the process of inventing the “REGRETapp,” an app that doesn’t allow you to text certain numbers after 11pm., certain numbers after watching Love Actually and certain numbers AT ALL. Brilliant right? But a lie;) Anyway, dis is what happens: You’re bored, feeling alone or you just happen to be going out in his hood and you fire off the customized “shout-out” texts. Chances are the one who you really wanted to respond won’t. But you may as well try and re-activate, just remember it’s real easy to open that door but a little harder to close.
STOP 3: MAYBE I JUST NEED TO GET LAID Women are just like men. Sometimes, we just want to get some. Yes “get some” (solid use of early 2000s slang). When we’ve been single for a while, we sit around discussing how long it’s been. And when the dry spell becomes unbearable… As purposefully as possible we run through the gamut of our past, selectively making sure as to not increase our “numbers.” So, if we now have a plutonic relationship, we’re not THAT close anymore (but still maintain some sort of friendship), and we used to DO EET, then you’re in luck and should be expecting a re-kindling of our barely-existent friendship shortly.
STOP 4: A CLOSE RELATIVE OR FRIEND “PLANTS A SEED” You’re lying if you say this hasn’t happened to you. And for some reason I find this one to be hilarballs. It’s simple, someone you trust opens your eyes to a new possibility. Mom calls you up and says, “who is that new boy it says you’re friends with on facebook? He’s cute”, and suddenly, although you never thought he was cute before, you find yourself contemplating a take down. And if your mom isn’t nosy like mine, then it’s a friend. All it takes is an “I love that guy… you should go for it” and BAM we have a new goal in our site-line.
STOP 5: THE FRIEND… OR MORE? This one is ALL about timing. We hang out, it’s cool, but now that I am single my mind runs with the possibility that I am missing something that is there… and a few days later I MAY have mentioned to most of my girlfriends that I’m in love. And once that happens… Oops.
As a note: If you’re the guy in love with the girl, and she just doesn’t see you like that. I have a trick, get a girlfriend… that you actually like. Once she sees you happy with someone else, those thoughts WILL cross her mind. I promise.
Let me get serious for a second here, ‘cause this one needs a disclaimer: Tread very carefully if he or she is your “best friend.” Make sure you are both READY for this to be the start of something amazing or the end of everything, because once you go there, there is rarely any turning back.
STOP 6: BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND RECYCLE Ending on the most dangerous of all. I’m calling it like it is. Amplified by the holidays and large family gatherings, your mind quickly reverts to what’s familiar. It’s kind of like the after affects of attending a wedding, you want that kind of love and you immediately fall back on what you know. You remember the good, and somehow dismiss the bad, and to your friends and family’s dismay you’re “talking again.” And guys, you do this one too. Sometimes, yes it’s worth a rematch, but most of the time, you’re just recycling a whole lot of baggage. Chances are, once the charm of the holidays wears off and the reality of Valentines Day is approaching, it’ll all seem like a really stupid idea. Just sayin’.
Alright, its conclusion time…
You can look at all of this as human weakness, as a display of dependency or human fault. But in reality, you want to know why we crush? We like to fill up what feels empty. That’s why we crush. I don’t care who you are or how independent you claim to be. It doesn’t matter; EVERYONE is searching for it, because there is no better feeling than falling in love.
PS: Sometimes I watch too much One Tree Hill.